Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Recovering from a computer crash

Yep, back on November 9, my computer crashed hardcore. I've been going absolutely nuts, lol.

But here I am now, back in action. Of course that's after replacing a RAM module, the video card and DVD drive. UG!

I'll be back in full force after the first.

Everyone have a great and safe New Year!
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Friday, November 6, 2009

Pregnant women drinking and smoking

**WARNING: Lots of curse words.



Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I miss Kentland

I really do.

It was a really small town, like Mayberry. Where everyone knew everyone, and the neighbors were friendly.

I of course don't miss the ex, but I miss the town. There's not many towns like that.

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Anniversary and mammogram

Let me just say, I did nothing for my anniversary and here's why:

On Monday, I had a mammogram. Knew it was gonna be bad, I have fribroid adenomas in my left breast. No surprise, no biggie.

Well, 2 hours after getting it, my doc's office calls:

Nurse: "The doctor wants to see you asap, the test results were abnormal."
Me: Yes, I know, I've had the lumps for about 4 years.
Nurse: No, he compared this mammogram with your last one. Can you come in on Wednesday so he can discuss it with you?

Ok. I made the appointment and spent 36 hours a nervous wreck.

My appointment was this afternoon....well, it was suppose to be. My doc called out to deliver a baby, the computers were down, so I have to call tomorrow to reschedule.

I'm hoping he just tells me it's time for the adenomas to come out, they're achy and cranky. I'm hopinh that's all it is. Tho my Grandmother had breast cancer the first time at my age.

Ug.
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Thursday, October 22, 2009

I absolutely HATE my life

So, I've been running 40-50% off sales in my store. I actually got an order yesterday. I ask my lil sis last night if she'd take me to the post office (she was off work) of course, not a problem she tells me.

I still haven't heard from her. It pisses me off, she's so flighty. You can't count on her for anything except the fact that you CAN'T count on her. I guess it's to be expected, she's bipolar.

It's just hurts so much, knowing you have no one in your life that you can count on, no one to help when you need it.

We made plans this past weekend, so I could see my niece (her daughter), because I really miss her. Of course, my sister didn't show, didn't call and wouldn't answer the phone.

It just hurts so much. I'd never treat her like this, she wasn't like this before.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try to walk the 4 miles to the post office.

I'm going to have to change my therapy appoint again (4th time). So I have a time when the bus can take me, since I can't count on my sister to take me. She misses therapy/psych appointments all the time, lucky if she goes once every 2 months. She may not want help, but I do, I can't stand the depression, I want to get better. Even if she doesn't.

God I wish I had a car.

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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Caught in a funk

I've really been a mess lately. Can't concentrate, have no interest in anything. Just in a really bad place right now.

No real cause for it or anything, just in the downward spiral.

Wanted to get some afghans done for Christmas, can't get interested in doing them. Then my right arm is killing me.

I'm just a mess. Can't figure out why or how to break it.

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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

What should I do for my anniversary?????????

In 13 days, I will have had my freedom for 1 year. That's huge, major.

What should I do to celebrate? I want to do something to mark the day I left the ex....left the fear behind.

Life may not be perfect, but it's a hell of a lot better than when I was with him.

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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I want to take an art course

I've always loved learning and love going to school. If being a professional student paid better, I'd be one, lol.

Now, I want to take an at home art course. I want to earn that certificate and hang it on my wall. I really do. It's one of the goals my therapist and I have set for me.

Now I just need to raise the $130 to get it started, yuck.

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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Anyone use Mirena?

**WARNING: Girlie gross stuff discussed. Might not be a post for the guys. You were warned fellas.



So, had my girlie exam today. Nothing like having a strange woman finger you...uh, I mean lookin into your kitty. Oh never mind, you know what I mean.

Originally, I only went to get the boobies checked out. I have Fibroid Adenomas in my left breast (lumps). And my family has a serious knack for breast cancer, so it's a situation I stay on top of. Any way, the lumps have grown and have begun to hurt, nothing like an achy cranky boob. It's to the point where a bra is REALLY uncomfortable. BONUS, there's one in the right one now too, I guess it felt left out.

So, I figured what the hell, lets just make this a full out embarrassing appointment and have everything checked out.

In uncomfortable situations, I can become a snotty smart ass. So I figured I'd throw a zinger at the ole doc. I started asking about birth control....then I added I wanted bc, but I'm over 35 and a smoker.

Now any woman who has seen the commercials knows, they all say the same thing, not for women over 35 who smoke. So I thought I was being Ms. SmartyPants. And the fact is I had given up on being able to get bc.

Boy, was I wrong. This broad named off at least 12 forms that I can use. Yeeeehaaaw!

I decided Mirena sounds like the best. It lasts for 5 years, nothing to remember to take and no unplanned babies.

Now, keep in mind who I am here. It's not like I'm having sex with anyone or have anyone in mind. Hell, I'm surprised there weren't cobwebs and bats in there, it's been so long. But at least when I do find someone, I don't have to worry.

So, does anyone have any experience with Mirena? Know anyone who "uses" Mirena? I'm kind of excited, might have to look for someone to try it out with....no, not really, well, maybe.


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Monday, October 5, 2009

Wow, 3 blogs

When I first started my blogging adventure, I never thought I'd be this into it, really.

I even bought a domain to throw up one of my blogs.

Hey, this blogging stuff is actually really fun. I'm enjoying it. Of course juggling 3 is taking me a little bit to get used to, but I'm getting there and learning so many new things.

I have a bunch of blogs I read and have even been reading books, how cool is that?

Well, I'm off to do some reading.

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Saturday, October 3, 2009

LinkFromBlog

Great site, I just joined, you should too.
Advertise with my Blog

Paid reviews




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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Woohoo, new template

I thought the place needed a bit of a remodel, so I found a template I like and here she is. I even made a different banner (other one was wrong size).

What do you think? Better than the black one?

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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Christmas

I am so friggin excited about Christmas this year. I think it has so much to do with my new place, not sure.

I want to decorate and have a tree, the whole she-bang baby. Of course I have to figure out how I'm going to do those things, lol.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thinking about dying my hair

It's been quite a while and the last coloring is pretty washed out. Now I'm trying to decide on a color.

Everyone wants me to go lighter, they say it makes me look good and younger. Personally, i hate it when it's light. I like medium-dark colors. I also like unique colors.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Supernatural

I am absolutely addicted to that TV show. It's so awesome, It just makes my week to see the Triple Threat: Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, and Misha Collins.


They're all hot, but I just adore Misha Collins. He's so freakin yummy. I've seen him on other shows too and he was hot on them too.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Update on me

Doc says nothing is really wrong with, just a bunch of little things have added up. So I have to just grin and take it for a while.


If I'm not feeling better in a week or 2I have to go back in. In the meantime, I've had enought energy to start doing a few things. So I guess there's light at the end of the tunnel


Jen

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I have to raise my prices

After a long email discussion with my friend Stacey, I have decided to raise the prices on my handmade items. I have to, materials have gone up and most people in 3rd world countries are being paid more than I pay myself.


I hate doing it.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Something is really wrong with me

Seriously enough that I'm trying to get in to see the doctor. I'm concerned and I'm never concerned like this.

I know, with depression you have that tired and foggy minded feeling.

Right now, I'm REALLY exhausted, sleeping most of the day and cannot even get out of bed. I'm not foggy minded. It's like something else is going on. I have the motivation to do things, my body just is shutting down on me.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I hate throwing out useable stuff

I really, really do.

I Freecycle some, but I'm nervous about doing that. I have no car to meet people somewhere, I'm going to be living alone soon, so I don't do it very often.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I spent $23 on me, now I'm freaking out

I'm so not used to spending money on me. But I was having a good day and daddy wanted to go visit the Salvation Army store.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

13 things about Jen

This post was inspired by a blog I read, Heathen Mom. I'm not a mom, but I've been called a heathen, lol, I just like the blog. Here we go, I really hurt my brain trying to come up with 13 things. Keep in mind, this is me being TOTALLY honest, so there may be a few things you don't want to know.

1. I'm fascinated with Ancient Egypt. Have been ever since I can remember. I studied to be an Egytologist at one point in my life. I still read and study as much as I can.

2. I want to volunteer to go one an archeological dig. I volunteered once, but couldn't go. Basically, you volunteer, have to pay your own expenses, don't nee training and get the crap work. But I still want to do it.

3. My fave colors are purple, black and gold. Yep, I'm a tacky pimp. Really. I think it may be influenced by #1.

4. I love crime shows. My favorites are Criminal Minds, NCIS, CSI, CSI:NY, and Law and Order.

5. I'm a Deadliest Catch addict.

6. I like cars. No, no, I love them. My favorite version of porn is nothing but cars, seriously. I want a Bugatti Veyron, 1000 horses and a top speed over 240mph. YEAH BABY! Of course it runs over $3 mil, ug. I also like the Mercede sl600 and 1967 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 500.

7. I'm great at solving other people's problems. Suck at my own, but can support and give great advice to others. Go figure.

8. I'm a gaming junkie. Don't play a lot of online games, but am starting to play a few.

9. I've been trying out different money making venues online since 2003. Yep, that long. Off and on. Have had a decent amount of success, but never stuck with it.

10. I have the worst teeth in the world. I've been trying to get help with them, but to no avail. Remember, I have only seen a dentist twice in the last 18 years. I've never had or could afford dental insurance the last 18 years (since I was dropped from Dad's insurance).

11. I am over weight and smoke. Both of which have helped destroyed my self esteem (of which I have none). Which just feeds the depression. Not to mention #10, no wonder I don't leave the apartment.

12. I sometimes wish my ex missed me. I get over it quickly, of course, when I think about the things he did to me. But occasionally, I wonder if he thinks about me. The therapist says that's normal, but I feel guilty for thinking about it.

13. Yes, I own adult toys. I think every woman should. I didn't feel comfortable with them until 6 months ago and now I wouldn't change a thing. Every woman should explore their sexuality and be comfortable with it.

So there's my 13. Not very interesting, but still a bit more about me.

Thanks Heathen Mom for inspiring me.

Jen

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

My motivational staff part 2

Next is up our temp, Miss Piggy. This 1 year old Guinea Pig isn't mine, she belongs to my sister who left her behind when she moved out (don't get me started).

She's a little cutey and I try to spend as much time with her as I can. She enjoys nibbling on anything and everything.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My motivational staff part 1

I just wanted to take a moment to give a shout out to the motivational staff that keep in line and going. They're VERY important in keeping me inline and going.

First up is Willie. She is a 7 year old White Capped Pionus. She's spoiled beyond belief and very demanding.

In the pics below, you can see her looking over my blogging work and making sure it's up to her high standards. Then she's informing me about my poor work performance and that I better pick it up.

Of course, she always follows it will a few smooches for mommy.


Jen

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Got into to it with lil sis

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my little sister. But she does everything she can to push my buttons. Now that she doesn't live here any more, she insists on coming over and getting under my skin.

She comes over to "visit", she just walks in unannounced whenever she wants to, she's been told to call first. Then the first thing she does is start going thru the caller id on the phone. Next, she'll pick up the remote and start channel surfing (even if you're watching something). Then, she has to go thru the apartment and inspect every room, including both bathrooms.

It drives me friggin nuts!

So, the other day, I laid into her about still having a key to the apartment. And of course, she wined about needing it to get into the apartment for emergencies. So I pointed out the fact that I only leave for about 2 hours every week and I'm sure there won't be a life or death emergency during that time.

Then she pointed out that she needed it to get into the apartment. So, I pointed out that she could call ahead or knock like a normal person. Needless to say, she wasn't happy with me when she left.

Dad was even less happy with me. He was going to get the key back from her before he goes back to Florida. He tore me up after she left. I'm sorry it upset him, I hate myself for ever upsetting him, but I just couldn't keep myself from doing it.

My dad lets her get away with everything, seriously. She does things that us 3 other kids would get killed for. And my dad does it all because of my niece. Ok, I understand that, but my sister really needs some lough love. She's never going to grow up or learn to deal with life if she's always getting bailed out by us.

Ug.

Jen

Saturday, September 5, 2009

I hate meds, I really do

I've always thought that I would take meds, they would help clear my mind enough for me to retrain my brain, so I would no longer need them.

But it has become more and more apparent that I may never be without the meds.

My current Pyschiatrist has brought this to light. He has flat out told me that I will need medication the rest of my life, there's no getting around it.

I've been depressed, suicidal, self injuring for the last 20 years. I've been in treatment on and off in that time period. He says that since this has been going on so long, that I will need to be on medication the rest of my life.

This is a bit of a blow to me. The only reason I even started taking meds was because I thought I could take them, they would help me enough to change my thinking and deal with my issues. I thought they wouldn't be necessary after I was able to change my thinking.

Now, I realize he's right. I will probably need them for a long time, if we can find one that helps me (which hasn't happened yet).

It really bothers me. I hate the idea of depending on meds to make me normal (not that I like being normal, lol). But it would be nice to have friends and maybe date again (not that I'm really anxious to date). It would be nice to have real life people to talk to.....hang out with....who understood.

Yuck. Welcome to my life.

I HATE the idea of being medicated the rest of my life. It ain't gonna happen. I can't stand to even think about it, there has to be a better way.

Jen

Friday, September 4, 2009

Got transportation

Yep, I now have a way to and from my doc appointments. Of course it's going to run me $50 a month and I'll be on the bus for about 2 hours every time (won't be doing much else on those days). But at least I no longer have to worry about it.

They'll also take me to the grocery store, for an extra charge of course. I just have to let them know 2 days in advance.

It's gonna be rough, my doctor will probably have to put me back on Klonopin so I can get thru it. I don't deal well when in a small place with a bunch of people, I avoid it at all costs. The med lessens the anxiety enough to keep me from having a full blown panic attack.

But at least I'll be able to continue with my treatment, that's what I was worried about.

Jen

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Waiting for the tests

Saw the doctor for the first time in years, he of course wasn't happy to hear that. I've been told I need to start seeing the doctor more, you know the lecture they give you.

Wasn't too bad. I of course closed my eyes when they stuck me. Now I just have to wait and see what the results turn out to say.

I'm not real worried about the results, which should make everyone worry, lol. Normal, I freak out about test results because I'm always afraid they're going to be bad, then they turn out normal. Not even concerned this time, which is scary.

Got a headache, so I'm going to go lay down.

Jen

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

New psychiatrist, new med and dating

Had my first visit with the new pdoc. I actually really like this guy. He sees no purpose in continuing to try medications that haven't worked for me in the past (something my other docs kept doing).

For now, he's keeping me on my Lamictal and Lexapro, but he has decided to add Abilify to the mix and see if helps. If not, he and I are thinking about just changing meds all together.

He also brought up something that I found hilarious: he wants me to get put on birth control and to start dating. WTF?? He said it would be good for me, I told him I really wasn't worried about dating right now, I need to work on me. But he's determined that I really need to date, lol.

First time I've ever had a pdoc suggest that.

He's also ordered kidney, liver and thyroid tests. He thinks I may have a thyroid problem. And he wants to make sure my liver and kidneys haven't been damaged by the meds I've taken in the past. Should be interesting, seeing how I absolutely hate needles and seeing medical doctors.

Should be fun. N O T.

Jen

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Very emotional day

I stood there, while my baby was put on a flat bed and hauled off to the junkyard. I could just feel what little hope I had draining out of me, as I watched her leave.

I know, it's silly.

I've been an emotional wreck all day, just can't stop crying.

Jen

I'm officially carless

Yep. My dad has officially declared my car done for. There's even more wrong with it than what I already knew about, errrr. I'm going to be calling one of those places to have my junk car towed away.

I was really hoping we could make it last thru the winter, but it's not happening. We'd have to pour huge amounts of money into it and the car just isn't worth it. As it sits now, the car is worth about $300 (if someone were to buy it and were being generous). So dad has vetoed any work on it.

Now I'm really freaking out.

This means I'm going to be dependent on my lil sis all winter long if I want to go any where. And honestly, I just don't see it happening. She's agreed to take me grocery shopping once a month, but there's no way she can help me get to and from my doctor.

I talked to the local taxi services and the cheapest I can find is $20 round trip (doc's office is 3 miles away). So, that's going to be $100 a month, ug. I think I might have to cut back my appointments over the winter and go like once or twice a month. But, the doc gave me a few phone numbers to call to see if I can set up medical transportation.

This just really sucks. I was so hoping to get my car in better shape and enjoy the freedom of not having to find a ride or borrow a car. Yuck!

Some family members just don't understand it. I don't depend on them because I WANT to, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

When my dad comes back from Florida in December, he said we'll discuss the car situation. So I have to scrimp and save every cent I can til then. If I have a decent amount saved, maybe I can get him to help me get a car.

Jen

Not good at time management

I'm really not, lol. I have so much I want/need to be doing, that I freak out about it and get absolutely nothing done.

My sister has moved back in with her ex, so I'm not spending so much time cleaning up after her, so I now have a ton of time.

I think I might enough to get my other blog up and running. It's a blog I planned out in July 2008, I even bought a domain for it (for 2 years). And since then, it's just sat there. So I want to at least get something out of it, so I've set it up here on Blogger and that's as far as I've gotten.

I've been sick. So I spent my days in bed crocheting. I actually have an afghan almost finished. And have 3 more planned, lol. I've decided to start doing them for specific bed sizes, of course they can be made to any size. But I thought it would be nice to have a King and Queen size listed.

Well, I have to go, need to get some sleep.

Jen

Friday, August 21, 2009

Ahhhh, a night of peace

None of what I'm about to type is meant in a mean way. I love my lil sister and love my niece more than my own life. But it's really nice that they aren't here tonight, lol.

My sis is working on getting back together with her ex, so they went to stay over there tonight.

It's kind of weird. My dad and I aren't sure what to do with ourselves, lol. We're so use to looking after the niece/his grand daughter, that being without her is strange.

My lil sis on the other hand, we needed a break from her, seriously.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, but she's making every mistake she can and doesn't even care about any consequences. She thinks that everything and everyone will bend over and give her whatever she wants. (pic is of sis and shorty)

The ex kicked her out so we let her move in, for VERY little rent.

In return, she does absolutely NO cleaning around here. She just leaves her dirty dishes and clothes where ever they fall. She doesn't clean her room, has never vacummed, never dusted, won't fill the dish washer, disappears for hours (leaving us wondering if she's picking up her daughter from school). She insults us every chance she gets. She even gets up in my dad's face and screams at him.

I get totally infuriated with her. I don't explode in her face because I know it would really hurt my dad. And he's helped us kids so much, I can't do that to him. Tho she has him to the point of wanting her out too.

She's totally unappreciative of anything anyone has done for her. She thinks the world owes it all to her to take care of her.

Worst of all, she won't take care of her child. She has no patience with her daughter, she's admitted it more than once. So we all take care of her. Which we have no problem doing, my niece is fabulous. And as far as I'm concerned, my niece can stay and my sister can move out. (pic of me and shorty)

Ug, not what this post was suppose to be, lol.

It's just nice to not have them here. So we have a chance to relax. Not worrying about the little one or picking up after my sister.

Think I might play video games all night. At least until shorty (my niece) gets dropped off in the morning. (pic is of Dad and Shorty....yes ladies, he's single, a good man, fun to be around, stable, loves kids and family oriented). Shhhh, he'd kill me if he knew I said that, lol.

I do miss her. Shorty is my partner in silliness. When she's not here, I don't have an excuse to act silly.

Jen






Sunday, August 16, 2009

This irks me

I know I was going to be taking a break, but I'm, hoping that blogging about this will help me wrap my mind around it.

So, the therapist wants me to stop being so anxious and worrying about everything. Ok, I'm cool with that, I'd love to spend more time just being.

The biggest thing I'm worried about right now is my car. My therapist wants me to quit worrying about it, since there's nothing I can do about it. WTF?!?!? This is foreign to me, because in my mind "if you don't worry about it nothing will get done about it".

My car runs great, I love this car(it's a 1991. The problems are the windshield wipers don't work (needs a motor), it has no exhaust system left, the tires aren't safe, the brakes aren't safe, and now the driver's door won't open (from inside or outside). But the engine runs just fine, tho I'm over due for an oil change, lol.

If I could afford a new car, I'd probably get rid of this one, but I'm not in that position. So I have to work with what I have. And that means about $600-700 worth of, which is more than the car is worth, but she's all I got.

What worries me most is in a month, my dad will be going back to Florida. Which means I will have no way to get to doctor's appoints, get groceries, or anything. Now wouldn't that freak you out, just a little?

What bugs me even more, is that I'm the only one even slightly concerned about it. My dad blows it off like it's not a problem. My therapist blows it off like it'll never happen (maybe he thinks I'm lieing or something).

I'm going to be headed in reverse. Everything that I've been trying to accomplish, trying to move forward, is going to go down the toilet.

It especially bothers me since I just found a therapist I think can help me, I'll get to see him another 4 times, then I'm SOL.

And this stupid city doesn't have bus service, ug. I filed for medical transportation and was turned down.

Now don't I have a legitimate reason to worry?

Jen

Friday, August 14, 2009

Clarifying about my therapy

I wanted to talk a little bit more about my last post. Since this is a personal blog, where I try to be open an honest about myself and what's going on with me (even if it hurts me, lol).

Over the last few weeks, my therapist has had me keep a log of what causes me anxiety, why, and to what degree.

Well, after looking over the 4 pages (front and back), I felt so awful. It was truely horrifying and depressing.

I could post the list of what MAKES me anxious here, but I'm sure you all have a life to lead, lol.

So, let me just post what DOESN'T make me anxious: crocheting, using the restroom, my dad (1/2 the time), breathing, my bird, playing with polymer clay, being on the computer and being alone.

Yeah, I really need to make that list a lot longer. So that's what I'm trying to focus my energy on right now. Learning how to not be afraid, learning what fears are just likely, how to deal with the fear and how to be comfortable in my own skin.

It's hard work, but I really need this, I really want it. I want my life back. Hell, I want to actually have a life before I die.

Jen

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Thanks to everyone and a note

I want to thank everyone for weighing in on the kids/no kids debate. It really made me feel better to know that not everyone is so closed minded. And it was also nice to meet others who have furry/scaled/feathered kids.

I just want to add that I'm going to be MIA for the next week or so. This is a planned absence, that's why I'm giving notice.

My therapist has suggest I start dealing with some really heavy stuff, having to do with my anxiety. I'm trying to make some changes. So, I'm really going to be stepping outside of my comfort zone and I feel I really need to focus on that for a little bit.

It's really hard for me to change from being totally freaked out anxious to only a little uncomfortable, lol. So it's going to take a ton of energy. But I'm really excited to get started.

I want and need these changes. This is the best therapist I've ever had, none of the others have actually wanted to help and have given me the tools to make the changes I need to. So I'm going to give this 100%.

Wish me luck.

Hugs.

Jen

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Women who have kids vs Women who don't

I'm on an email group, this group is usually pretty friendly and quiet. We recently had a new member join, so she was asking where every one was from, how old, etc.....and who had children.

About 80 of us replied, 3 of us who are 32+ and are childless. I never thought this would happen on this group, but the 3 of us got pounced on.

Why we don't have children? Don't you want children? Doesn't your life feel empty? What's wrong with you? And on and on. Ug. I didn't see it coming.

I'll explain myself.

NO, I don't have any problems with kids. I actually adore children. I don't have children for a few reasons.

1. I never met a man that was trustworthy enough to have a baby with. I have tons of friends who had babies with guys and now daddy is gone and won't support his child. Hell, my own sister is going through this, my niece's father skipped before she was 2 weeks old, and hasn't helped out a cent. My attitude is why should these guys be allowed to get away with it?

2. I never married. Yeah, I'm old fashioned like that. At least if you're married, then have a baby, it's easier to hold the father responsible. Not perfect, it doesn't always work, but it increases the chances. And if he wants to have a baby with you, he should be willing to commit to you.

3. I don't feel incomplete just because I've never given birth. Seriously. I always figured if it was meant to happen, it would. If not, I'm not gonna dwell on it. It's not devastating to me, I won't feel like my life was for nothing or I'm a failure.

4. I already raised 2 kids, my sisters. I started raising them when I was 13, I had never even held a baby. I learned a lot, made them my world, tried to be a surrogate parent, and I think I didn't do a bad job. They've both grown up to be better than me.

4. Then, when I was 23, I was told that because of plumbing problems (keeping it PG), it would be VERY hard for me to conceive. So I had to make my piece with that.

Do I think about it sometimes? Yeah, usually on my birthday, but I also think about a lot of other things on that day too.

One of the girls on my email list is thinking about artificial insemination. Hey if that's what makes her happy, I support her 100%. Though, I did have to suggest to her that having a one nighter would be A LOT cheaper, lol. No, I don't condone that, but she was talking about taking out a loan for the procedure. Hmmm, yes, I made a funny about making payments on your baby at 23% (she laughed and got a kick out of it).

So moms out there, you have my total respect, you fascinate me with your strength, big hearts and nurturing.

All I ask, is please don't pick on us who don't have children. We're not defective or wrong. Besides, we make really great baby sitters. My niece adores me and she gives me an excuse to act like a 2 year old, nothing wrong with that.

**stepping away from the debate podium**

Jen

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Still tired

The exhaustion is getting really bad. I'm sleeping at night....and then take 2 naps during the day, ug.
So, since I now have my insurance straightened out, I mad a doctor appointment to see what's wrong. I haven't seen a doctor in years, so it'll be good that I start seeing one now. Seeing how I'm ancient now and everything.

I'm not comfortable with doctors and physical exams so this should be interesting.

Jen

Sunday, August 2, 2009

My new therapist

I need to talk about the new man in my life, lol. No, I'm not dating. I have a really great new therapist. And it's a man, my first.
It's really strange becuz all my therapists have been women up to this point (I've had 9, yeah, 9). So at first it was a little weird.

But now I've gotten over that and I seem to be talking to him about things I have never discussed with anyone else. I guess this is a good thing.

I've also been moved up to seeing him every week. I've been really stressed (which I don't deal well with), so they decided I need to see him weekly.

I've got an appointment with the new pdoc next month. I have already heard great things about him. Mainly, he's open to trying new meds and will take your input into serious consideration.

Hugs.

Jen

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

More baby steps

Well, I've actually began doing some crafting again, mostly crochet, but I'm hoping to start clay again next month.

Also, 3 years ago, I signed up for 2 of those "learn at home" correspondences courses.
They were paid in full, then i quit doing them because of so many distractions. I thought the time had passed for me to complete them. Sooooo, I called the company and they said I could resume my courses. I nearly fell out in the floor.

At the time I signed up for these, it wasn't the idea that they would get me some great job. I started them because I decided I wanted to do something I thought would be fun, and they are. I just got a lot of flack about taking them.

I'm excited, I can't wait to get started again.

Jen

Friday, July 17, 2009

Baby steps to a better future

I've just felt a lot of stress lately, which hasn't been helping me at all (resulted in a cutting incident).

So now I'm trying to figure out what I can do and how to do it.

Next week, I will be applying for a pro-bono bankruptcy lawyer. I was scared to file, but my credit rating can't get any worse than it already is.

This will help take care of credit card bills and medical bills that have stacked up. At one point in time the ex and I were living on credit cards in my name, and I have a few from when I was younger that need to be taken care of.

It'll do a lot to relieve the stress and help me sleep better at night. And after talking to them on the phone this morning, the day seems a bit brighter (even tho it's cold and cloudy).

Of course I still need to deal with my student loans (which you can't file bankruptcy on). But one baby step at a time.

I'll get there.

Jen

Friday, July 10, 2009

I need to start caring for me

That was the whole idea of having my own place. I have to admit, I'm not real good at the whole self-care thing
I'm allergic to curling irons. Hell, I just learned how to use a hair dryer. I've been wearing my make up the same since I was a teen. I have NO idea how to pick out clothes, I usually wear a t-shirt and jeans. I'm not girly at all.

It kind of sucks, being the freak.

My therapist always says that caring for me should be first and foremost. I have no idea how to live that way, I've never been like that.

How do you quit letting yourself be so wrapped up in the problems and lives of the people you love?

I understand what she's saying, that I need to take care of me first. After all, if I don't who will?

I just don't seem to be very good at it. I always plan on doing my nails or coloring my hair or putting on make up just because. Then I get side tracked and sucked into what's going on with other people that I just forget about myself.

And it just feeds the depression. But I can't seem to stop. People just keep sucking the energy out of me.

Hugs.

Jen

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Thanks to my new advertisers

I don't do this often, but it needs to be done.

I just want to thank all of the new readers and advertisers that have shown their support in the last 2-3 weeks. You all really know how to make a gal feel popular, lol. Wow, by the messages I've been getting, y'all are a infantry batalion strong (I looked it up on Wiki, wow). Thank you so much for the show of support. Y'all help keep me going on my darkest days and let me know I'm not alone and there are people who understand.

As I said, I won't mention names unless you say it's ok (so message me already will ya, lol). I have a link list waiting to be filled on this blog.

NOTE: Because of the nature of this blog, I don't just automatically add people to the link list. I don't want anyone getting any flack because of me. So if you don't mind people knowing that you publicly support this crazy lady, just let me know. I don't mind sharing link love to those who need it (it's a great way to improve search rankings).

Cha-cha-changes

Yep, and there's a ton of them. Which means, I'm not dealing too well. It's always a crap shoot with me. Sometimes I do ok, others...not so much.
First my computer crapped out. I now have a new one, but my dad won't tell me what I'm paying his friend for it.

Then, I realized that I'm going to have to replace almost all of my claying supplies. That sucks.

Then there's been other things, but I just don't wanna talk about it right now.

On the good side of things......

I'm sooooo enjoying having my own space. It feels so good.

I can be me again. I get treated like an adult here, which totally blows my mind, it's been so long. I can have people over, people stay over, stay on the computer for 14 hours if I want to. I'm so enjoying myself.

My 2 year old niece and my sister moved in. Her shitty ass boyfriend kicked them out. That's right, he kicked out a 20 year old woman (who only works part time because that's what HE wanted) and her 2 year old daughter in the middle of the night. If it wouldn't start crap, I'd post his full name, address and phone number so everyone could let him know what an ASS he is.

Ahem, so anyways, I'm getting to spend tons of time with my niece. She so smart and so happy. I didn't get to be around her much before, so I'm thankful to be making up for that.

I'm dating. Yeah, let me repeat that, I'm dating. Never thought that would happen. He's a really great guy and I can't believe how great we get along. We can talk about anything. He's really nice to me, which I of course have no clue how to deal with, lol. But he's wondeful, I absolutely adore him. I just wish I could get past the "waiting for it to blow up" thing. It's something I go thru when ever I get close to someone. *long sigh*

Well, I'm gonna cut this short. It's 3am and I really should be in bed.

Jen

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I got a tattoo

Yes, yes I did.

There's this place a couple blocks away that offer small $10 tattoos. I've always wanted one and the price made it so tempting.

So one day my sis and I were out and we stopped in to see what they had. I found a small ankh that I like and took the dive. I now proudly have a small purple ankh on my left arm.

I'm so happy. That's one thing I can cross off my bucket list, lol.

How awful am I? 10 seconds after the guy started my tattoo, I was already planning on getting my next one, lol.

It was awsome. The camera is dead, so I'll post pics later.

Jen

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Went to the doc the other dsay

Sometimes I swear my shrink is useless. Then others, I think he's just ok.
So, I had my monthly visit with him. He's upped my Lamictal to 150mg, he's shooting for a therapuetic dosage of 200mg, but he's moving it up slowly.

I have to admit, on a feeling human scale of 1 to 10, I'm at about a 2.5. Making this the best I've felt in my life, lol. Too bad I'm so exhausted all the time to take advantage of it. And I mean exhausted, that achy tired feeling you get when you've been awake for 3 days straight. I spend more time trying not to fall asleep and planning naps.

I sleep fine, I'm getting 8-10 hours a night. But I can't make it through the day without a 2-3 hour nap. Ug. Hopefully I'll get over it soon, not sure why it's happening.

And I'm having a lot of dreams (normally I'm not a dreamer). Every night now. I'm dreaming a lot about the ex, not sure why. I think these are also side effects from meds.

It just keeps getting more interesting.

Jen

Saturday, June 6, 2009

So tired

Seriously. All the time. No matter how much sleep I get. I just feel exhausted, and it's that achy exhausted too.

I spoke with my therapist about it, she says it's the depression and that I have to force myself to do things. But it's so hard. I just feel so awful, my body doesn't want to function, all it wants to do is go to sleep.

It's kind of freaking me out a bit. I've always been depressed and felt tired, but not like this. I've never slept like I have been lately (9+ hours a night and sometimes an afternoon nap of 2 hours). I usually have problems sleeping. I usually sleep 3-5 hours a night. That's how I've been my entire life.

Maybe it's the meds, I really don't think so. Maybe I've discovered one of their unknown side effects, lol.

I just wish I had some energy. The meds are working a bit, I'm have bouts where I feel better a few times a day. But I'm just so exhausted that I can't take advantage of them.

Blech.

Jen

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

House hunting

Well, my sister is officially looking for a house. Not sure yet if it's going to happen, but she's looking and trying.

I really hope it works out. She and her husband want to start a family in the next year or 2, so it would be nice if they were settled into a home instead of hopping from apartment to apartment.

We went out yesterday driving around looking at houses that are for sale and found quite a few possibilities. Now she just has to see if she can get the mortgage at a price she can afford. *fingers crossed*

Jen

Monday, May 25, 2009

Concentrating on housing

Sorry I haven't been around much.

I've been concentrating all my energy on trying to find an apartment. I think everyone here is pretty much ready for me to move, me MOST of all, lol.

So, I've been spending my time calling around trying to find places. I've called 60+ apartment complexes in the area. I'm on the waiting list at one apartment, trying to get on the list at another one, and trying to get one to call me back.

I haven't been spending as much time online. I just really want to find a place of my own to live.

Jen

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

New Banner

It's not perfect, but I'll spruce it up some more later. Took a lot to get me to use pics of me. And this is my EC card.

What do ya think?


Be back tomorrow.

Jen

Friday, May 1, 2009

Not doing good

Sorry I've been neglecting this blog, just have a lot going on right now.

Since the apartment thing didn't work out, the depression has been pretty bad, I've been crying a lot. I really want a place of my own. Not that my sis is pushing me out the door, but because I want my own place.
I've never really lived on my own. I've always lived with family or had a room mate. Now, I'm at a point where I want my own place. Part of me just wants to prove I can do it.

I'm still having a lot of ups and downs right now. One day I'll feel ok, just to bottom out the next day. I hate the depression.

I'm working on another blog, it's all about birds. It's something I really enjoy doing. Especially since I've been missing my birds and crying about it a lot. I miss them so much, it hurts so bad. And no one seems to understand why I'm upset about it. My birds were my life, my kids. How is a person suppose to feel when they loose their kids?

So that's what's going on with me. I'm still trudging forward. Not getting as far as I would like, but I'm still going.

Jen

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Housing frustraions

I've been trying to get an apartment, I'm on 2 waiting lists. And have been for months, with no end in sight. It can be anywhere from 6 to 14 months.


I talked to my caseworker, she works for the department of family and children services, she has no idea where to find low income housing. It amazes me. It's her job to work with single mothers and women who are victims of domestic abuse, yet she has no clue how to help them find affordable housing? WTF?!?!

So I spend a day evey week calling every apartment complex I can get the phone number of. I'm calling places in a 3 county area.

I want my own place. Not that living with my sister is awful. I just want my OWN place. My therapist even says I need to be on my own.

I thought I had a good lead on an apartment and I did, but there's a catch. They only accept people in a certain program, and that program is closed to new applications for the next 3-4 months. I had no clue about this program or the fact that it only took aps at certain times.

It's just so frustrating. I just want a place to live.

Jen

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Better

Well the cold is gone, thank goodness. I was beginning to think I’d never feel better.

Then the doctor added Lamictal to my drug cocktail, so that was making my tummy a bit queasy.

But I’m back now, only about 85%, but I’ll get there.

Thanks for all the well wishes.


Jen

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Je is sick

Thank you for the emails of concern. No, I haven't dropped off the face of the planet.

I was fighting off a cold for a while....then the cold fought back and it won. I now have bronchitis and have been spending my days in bed. I'm starting to feel a little bit better and hope to be back soon.

Thank you for the email Judy, I wouldn't abandon you. Just havin to take it easy right now.

Jen

Friday, April 3, 2009

Dealing with the emptiness

First, I want to apologize for not posting. A few days ago I was thrown a curve ball that has made me hesitate my posting. Real life family members are reading this, they don't understand that this is my safe place. Where I can say whatever I'm feeling or thinking. I know you'll read this, so let me say I'm sorry. Everyone is being so good to me, I really don't deserve it, so it's really hard for me to understand or deal with. I'm not good at showing appreciation, that's one of my problems. I try to show it by helping out and doing what I can, I hope you can understand that. I really like my blog and blogging, it helps me work things out, so I'm going to keep doing it. And I'm sure you'll keep reading.

Ok, back to what I came here for.

When you have BPD, you have an emptiness inside. You have no sense of self. You wander around wondering "who am I?". This is something I've really been struggling with and trying to figure out.

I can be whatever the situation calls for. The girlfriend who will take your abuse. The sidekick to the girl who wants all the attention. The mother figure to the sisters who need me. The badass who will stand between you and the boyfriend who's beating you.

It's a common trait of BPD.

But now I'm in limbo. I left the ex, so I'm no longer that person. And I'm struggling with who I am. I want to be me, I just have no idea who she is. I'm not part of a relationship or a group of friends, so I have no one to be.

This is something that I feel is really holding me up, so I've been exploring.

I LOVE to write. I've been writing since I was 13. At 16, I had 2 full novels written. Not that I ever did anything with them.

Errr, that's not the point. I love to write. Anything. I was writing for certain websites, the ex said it was stupid....at the time, I thought he was right so I stopped.

Well, I'm writing again. And I don't care what anyone says.

I enjoy it. Even if if never gets me any where. I'm doing something I like to do.

Shameless plug here, sorry, lol. You can find my writing at http://www.associatedcontent.com/artisticjen and http://www.squidoo.com/artisticjen.

I may not be blogging every day like I have been. But this blog is my passion and love. So I will continue blogging, just maybe not as much as before.

Jen

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Slowly making progress

I saw my therapist yesterday. It was time to go over our therapy goals. We go over them every 3 months to see if any progress has been made. Here's my update, some good, some bad.

Social interaction - Minimal Progress (she actually counts this blog)
Energy levels - Regressed (my functioning has decreased)
Mood levels - No change
Coping skills - Minimal progress (I've been using breathing to control anxiety)
Self harm - Moderate progress (I haven't been having the urges)
Assertiveness - No change
Ability to recognize abusive situations - No change
Improvement of sense of self - Regressed (I have no self identity)


So there's been a bit of progress. Not much, but a little. I really hate having regressed in any area, but I guess you'll have that.

It was an ok session, we mainly did the report. Didn't get to talk about much.

Next time I go, I'm going to talk to her about how to get beyond the memories of abuse. I still have nightmares and flashbacks of things my mom did. I don't want them any more, they serve no purpose and it's time to put the past to bed. Just not sure how to go about doing that.

Jen


Monday, March 30, 2009

Where I can start…

Yesterday’s post was shameful. But some days are like that, there’s still a lot of down moments for me right now.

So I really feel like I need to talk more about things that I can do. That aren’t beyond my abilities right now.

Go for a walk. I need to get more time outside. Not to mention I need the exercise and movement.

Do a workout DVD every day. It’ll help me get healthier. Not to mention the weight I need to loose.

Read for an hour every day. I can handle this. Actually, I like reading so much, I usually get sucked into reading for hours. I just need to get a few books, I only have 3 right now.

Comment on my favorite blogs. I’m a really bad commenter. I probably read 20-30 blogs a day, think of commenting, but don’t. Not sure why I do this. I’ve even typed in comments and then just deleted them. This is a habit I’m really going to try to break.

Work on my online store. There’s always something I could be doing to make my store better. Like my descriptions, I’m really bad at those so they could use tweaking.

Write for both blogs every day. I really want to start making it a habit. I always feel so bad when I skip posting. It’s not from a lack of something to write about, I seem to never run out of things to say.

Crochet for 2 hours every day. I love to crochet and I usually do it every day, but not lately. I have the yarn for 5 projects, but all of them are just sitting here.

So this is a nice start, if I can stick to it and do them every day. That’s where I run into troubles, getting motivated to do them every day. Like the exercising, I’ll tell myself: “Monday, I’ll start Monday. That’s a better day to start”. Then Monday rolls around and I don’t get around to it, Mondays are doctor days and really busy.

Can someone just reprogram my brain, seriously? It just needs a little tweaking, in the area of following thru on good intentions. Nothing a big shot of motivation and extra energy wouldn’t fix.

Anyone?

Jen

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Where do you start over?

This is something I struggle with a lot. Especially since things seem to be at a stand still right now.

Ok, I know, leaving was the first step. But what now? The list of things I want/need/have to do seems to be getting longer and longer. Nothing is getting checked out. Things just keep getting more complicated.

I have to find an apartment. When I got here, it was agreed I could stay 6 months. I’ve got about a month left. Not only that, but even my therapist agrees, I need to be on my own, living here is hurting me no helping me.

I have to get my car running. I just have to. I need to be able to come and go on my own, without using my sister’s car. Besides, I need to be able to get around when I do move. Why do car repairs have to be so expensive? Not only that, but my plates are due in May and my car won’t be able to be plated until the repairs are made.

These are the 2 major hiccups right now. These seem impossible, which makes everything else seem impossible too.

Jen

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I made a new friend

Because of the neighborhood, there’s a lot of stray animals around here. Not just the pets that get let out at night. I’m talking full blown strays.

It just breaks my heart. I come from a long line of animal lovers. When I was a kid, at one point we had in the house: 6 cats, 2 dogs, 2 guinea pigs, a hamster, a snake, a salamander, a bunny, 4 kids (and all our friends) and the parents. Yeah, we always had a zoo going on (both 2 and 4 legged).


Recently, there’s this long haired, beautiful, black cat that I see hanging around outside every once in a while. He’s sweet, if you call him he’ll come over and meow at you. He’ll rub against things like he wants to be petted, but he won’t let you touch him. He’s gorgeous. He’s extremely thin, but looks to be pretty healthy.

He just breaks my heart. Other neighborhood cats beat up on him.

I wish I had the money to take care of him. I’d catch him and he could be all warm, cared for and loved. It’s obvious he was a pet at some point in time.

I’ve actually been thinking of giving him a name, just because. Maybe Harvey, lol. When it comes to naming I go with what just comes to me and feels right. Yes, I think he just might be Harvey.

I wonder when Harvey will be back? Harvey is such a pretty kitty. What’s the Harv up o today?

Yep. Harvey it is.

Jen

Friday, March 27, 2009

This is my space


Today, I thought I’d give you a little deeper look into a bit of my life.

I spent 8+ years with the ex. He had my mind so messed up, I believed that my family didn’t care about me and would never help me. I told my dad I wanted to leave, but I was scared because I didn’t know where I would go or what to do. He told me to call my sisters.

A few days later, I started talking to my sister about getting out. She ok’ed it with her fiancé and said I could come stay with them. I planned to leave a few weeks later, but the ex was getting worse and worse, so I left early.

My sis and her now husband (they got married in December) rent a small house in a not so good town. This town is known for it’s high crime rate which has gotten worse because of the
economy.

When I got here, I started out sleeping on the couch. That was killing my already bad back and sucked for the newlyweds every morning. So, I had to come up with a new arrangement.

The house has a sunroom. This room is 9’ by 8’, it even has windows into the main part of the house (including their bedroom). So, I got an air mattress and began sleeping out there.

It was ok, til the first night of negative temperatures. This room has no heating vents and isn’t insulated. So I went out and bought an electric heater and put plastic up all over the windows and the door to the outside. Now it stays a good 65 in there, which is nice.

The other major problem was sleeping on the air mattress on the floor. There’s no insulation down there and it was always freezing. I was sleeping with 6 comforters and every sheet I could
get my hands on. So, for my birthday, my dad bought me a futon. It got me off the floor and is rather nice to sleep on (I never fold it up tho). And it gives me something to move into the apartment when I get one.

It’s small. It’s not perfect. But it’s my space. I like having a space that’s all mine. And I love the wood in the room.

It’s also perfect for Willy. Her cage is by the window to the living room, so she can be out of her cage all day and interact with whoever is in the living room.

So, that’s where I live. The pictures are of my actual space, but they are before I got the futon. It’s a little crowded, I really need a dresser.


Jen

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Secret

I think a lot of people have heard of The Secret. It’s about the Law of Attraction. I won’t go into details about it here.

A few months back, a friend gave me a copy of the DVD. I really found it inspiring, even tho I have trouble keeping my thoughts positive.

I was doing really good for a while, then kind of fell off the wagon.

Last week, I had some money left over from an Amazon gift card, so I ordered the book for $4. I got a really great deal, it’s a brand new hardcover book.

I’ve started reading it. I really like the concept, it sounds easy in words on a page. I just have a lot of problems putting it into action. It’s something I’m really going to work on.

I’ll let you know how I do.

Jen

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I hate my psychiatrist

I really do. Every session, it takes everything I have to resist the urge to jump across the desk and strangle him. Seriously.

Ok, let me tell you about him.

He’s a Chinese immigrant. He asks me questions, I answer, he repeats the answer out loud while typing it into the computer (which irritates me to no end). But not only that, he doesn’t have a good grip on the English language, so when he types in my answer, he gets things twisted around and wrong.


For example, he asked me about my drinking habits. I tell him I drink every once in a while, maybe once a month. He types in computer that I drink 3-4 times a week. I try to correct him and he starts saying I drink every day. Errrr.

Then he asks me about how I’ve been feeling, so I tell him. I then get a 20 minute lecture about how mean I am and how I need to stop being so mean to myself. Well duh, that’s part of what depression does to you, it’s not like I enjoy it or mean to do it.

I’ve had 4 psychiatrists over the last 6 years. I have to admit this guy is the worst. I feel worse after seeing him. I’ll have a session with him and be even more depressed for days afterwards.

I talked to my therapist about getting another doc, it won’t happen. He’s the only one in that takes my insurance, so I have to just figure out how to grin and bear it. That’s what happens in an over stressed, under funded system. You get care, even if that care just does more damage.

Jen

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Does this make me a “Cougar”?

Ok, this past weekend, I went and spent the night with youngest sister, she’s 20. No big deal, just a couple of sisters catching up. So, while I was there, her boyfriend came home and we were all having fun talking. Then a friend of a friend of a friend of his came over.

This is where things get little weird.


This friend was cute and nice, I sat talking with him. Joking around just being social. Then, it was strange, he started coming on to me. Hmm, kind of caught me off guard. This kid was only 25. Yes, let me say that again, HE WAS ONLY 25.

It was a different situation for me. I steer clear of younger men, and have never had anything to do with someone more than 5 years younger than me. So this was strange to me.

It was fun, I certainly enjoyed the attention. And he was a really nice guy. Not someone I would date or get involved with, but there isn’t anything wrong with a few hours of cuddling, talking and a few innocent kisses.

We both agreed no further contact is necessary. Hell, we didn’t even exchange phone numbers.

Why do I feel sort of embarrassed about it now? Does this make me some sort of “cougar”?

I guess it’s weird for me because I really prefer men who are older than me. This was just a chance thing. Gosh I need to be around older people more, lol.

Any words of wisdom? Anyone? I guess now, I feel a little ashamed of myself for messin around with someone so much younger than me.

Jen

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Clarifying my last post

I've gotten a few emails regarding my last post.

No, I don't have a heart condition. As far as I know, I do have a heart murmur and my cholesterol is on the high side.

The paranoia about having a heart attack is something that has just started in the last 2-3 months. Not sure where it came from or why it's happening, but I seem to be totally obsessed with having a heart attack.

Thank you for your concerns.

Jen

Friday, March 20, 2009

Help, The way my mind works

I've talked to my doctors a lot about this and they ever say is "it's the anxiety disorder". So, let's see what everyone else thinks.

I forget things. Seriously. You can tell me something and then 3 minutes later, it's gone. No exaggeration here. Had a conversation with my sis the other day, maybe a 10 minute convo. At the end of the conversation, I couldn't remember the first thing she had told me, and she had told me not to forget, lol.

I explained this to the doctors and they said not to worry. That once the anxiety has been gotten under control, it'll happen less. But to be honest, I just don't see it happen.


At any minute of any day, my mind is thinking about 200 things. Like right now, I can't even be completely focused on this blog post. Oh, this is a good example. This is what's going thru my mind right now, I'll type it all out for one full minute:

i'm never going to get housing, is there a place i haven't called yet, can i get the housework done before sis gets home. will i ever be loveable. where am i going to be in 5 years. am i going to be able to get my car running. what will i wear to the wedding reception in may. am i going to go to the wedding reception. how do i started dating again. should i start. will i ever have friends. can i have the life i want. i haven't made a payment to xxx. i wonder when my dad is going to be back from florida. does my stuff suck that bad. will i have more sales in my store. i need to loose 40 pounds. should i stop taking my vitamin. if i work out to the dvd, will i have a heart attack. is my sis going to find me dead one morning from a heart attack.

Ok, so that was 2 minutes, I type kind of slow.

My doctors say I need to try to consciously slow down my thoughts and just not think about some things. This is REALLY easy to say, lol, but another thing entirely TO DO. When I try to slow things down, it seems to go into overdrive and spiral out of control.

And because my mind works like this, I don't have room in there for the things I'm suppose to remember. It can be really frustrating sometimes.

There are days where I'm non-functional because my brain is just cranking out things. I can't do anything because I'm so "foggy" and can't think straight. I can't eat, I don't shower. Hell, there's even been times I won't drive because the fog is so bad.

Believe it or not, I was an honors student in school. I love being in school and learning new things. In school, the thoughts actually seem to slow down. I never have a problem focusing. I miss school, lol. I tried going to college, my thoughts weren't a problem. The depression and social anxiety were, so I had to quit.

Any thoughts? Ideas? Any suggestions? Anyone out there who's gotten this type of thing under control? I'm desperate here.

Jen

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Had a little talk with myself

First, I want to thank you all. In the weeks since I started this blog, I just cannot believe the wonderful people I've met and had the chance to email chat with. You all are so wonderful and I can't tell you how thankful I am.

Now back to my post.

I was feeling pretty bad yesterday, doing my normal negative self talk and beating myself up pretty good. I was thinking about all the things I "should" be doing and where I'm going to be in 5 years. Ug. I was worrying about the apartment and how my car isn't running.

After an entire afternoon and evening of this, I once again found myself unable to sleep lastnight. Yuck.

So here's the little convo I had with myself:

"Bitch what are you doing?" (yeah I can be a little harsh with myself)
Answer: Not a whole hell of a lot.

"All I hear you think about is all the crappy stuff. I want to hear you think about the good stuff right fucking now!"
Uh, I got nothing.

"Don't give me that bullshit. I want you to list right now all the goodness that makes up Jen, just do it."
(So I did, hm) I have a huge heart. I love animals. I'm really good at helping people with their problems (my own, not so much, lol). I always try my hardest at everything. I have never in my life broken a promise to someone. That's all I got.

"Ok, good start, but you forgot killer sense of humor. Now, I want you to list the things that you CAN be doing to move things in the right direction."
Um, again, nothin.

"WOMAN!"
Ok, ok. I could be working out, that would definitely make me feel better. I could be reading more, I just love to read. That's all I can think of, it is 4:37 AM afterall.

"Ok, that's a start, but now you need to have more follow thru. Get your ass moving. Don't make me have this conversation with you again. I understand that sometimes you need a swift kick in the ass, but this is ridiculous. You're 36, single with no children. You should be building the life you want and most of all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Now, get some fucking sleep."

Went right to sleep after that, lol. This is the first time I've had this type of conversation with myself. Hope it's the start of a new trend, lol.

No, I'm not totally out of mind. Everyone has conversations with themselves on a daily basis. Just maybe not like mine.

Jen

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The ex

Where do I start.

Well, someone has brought to my attention that my ex is now online. Not that he doesn't have the right, just that it makes me feel kind of weird. Besides, he always HATED computers and being online, so it kind of surprises me. As long as I don't give away too much, I don't think he could find me. And if he does, I'll just deal with it.

So of course this situation has made me think of him. Not something I like doing.

Do I miss him? Not really. It was never much of a relationship. He would never hug me, cuddle on the couch. He'd never kiss me unless he wanted sex.

It even got to a point where I wasn't allowed to talk about anything. If I tried to talk, I'd get yelled at to shut up. There were nights where he'd sit on the couch ignoring me for 6 hours.

A few days before I left, he was screaming at me and I actually stood up for myself, I raised my voice. This was not a good thing, I was promptly told how he "would drag me out of the house by my hair".

Then there are the times he would shove me around and stuff.

And he use to wonder why I wasn't into having sex with him, which I find hilarious. When someone treats you that badly, of course you don't want to have sex with them. Being told your fat and stupid is NOT a turn on.

I started out calling it "8 wasted years of my life". But now I try to look at it more positively than that. Now I tell people: "Yes, I stayed longer than I should have. But I learned a lot of things".

The only things that really make me sad are the fact that if I hadn't gotten a settlement, he wouldn't now have a house. And I love and miss that house. And he kept 4 of the birds, I worry about them and miss them alot. But him? Not so much.

My life now is far from perfect, but now I have a chance to be the person I'm suppose to be. I can now how all the thoughts and feelings I want, I can be a real person. Not the zombie he always made me into.

Jen

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Therapy

So I had therapy yesterday, that usually makes for a hard day. It usually takes a lot out of me, but not yesterday. I felt really good, like I was getting somewhere for a change, lol. That is, until the ride home, ug.

My 23 year old sis, who I'm living with, had to give me a ride because my car is not running. No big deal. So she always asks me how therapy went and what we talked about. I never have a problem with telling her about it, except I usually leave out the really emotional parts.

So, I told her we talked about my shop and my blog. And that my therapist thought it was really great that I'm enjoying blogging and saying whatever I want. That's when she started in
"Well, I think that's just wrong. Your therapist should be getting you to leave the house, not blog. That's just not right." Blah, blah, blah
I love my sis, I really do. And I'm so grateful that she's letting me stay here while I'm getting my act together. But sometimes, I just really want to punch her in the mouth, yeah.

In 2 minutes flat, she took all the wind out of my sails. I went from feeling pretty good to feeling crappy.

I'm sorry she doesn't understand, she pretty much hates computers and anything to do with them. She'll even admit that. But she also thinks that everything in the world MUST work the way she wants it to, no matter what. And if it doesn't, it must be something stupid and she has no use for it. Yeah, seriously.

On a daily basis, my bro-in-law and I joke about it. "It's her world, she just let's us hang out sometimes".

I really need to get the hell out of here before I loose my mind. I'm going to call around again and see if I can find some place where the waiting list isn't 14 months long.

Jen

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The good ol days

I remember way back when.

My family has always been a highly computer oriented family. My dad did computer work for Ford Motor Company. So we always had them in the house.

The first computer I ever had, I got in pieces. My dad tole me "if you can get it together and running, you can use it". Well, 3 days later, I had that bitch together and running. I loved it.

I can also remember when we got the internet and dad let me use it. Those awful, nerve grating dial-up sounds, lol.

Then I discovered chatting, oh yes. I would be at my computer chatting when dad went to be....and that's right where I'd be when he got up to leave for work, lol. It was before all the internet porn and people looking for booty calls. Back then, it was just a bunch of talking about life and ourselves, really innocent.

I even spent a month in California with one of my friends from chat. Yeah. Nothing weird or sexual about it, just one friend visiting the other. It was nice.

Nowadays, there's no good place to chat and you have to worry about being stalked/raped/worse.

I miss those days, they were a lot of fun.

Jen

Friday, March 13, 2009

More about me

Well, I seem to be feeling a little more comfortable with blogging now. I've gotten a lot of great comments, advice and words of incouragement. Not something I was expecting when I first decided to start doing this. Now, I feel like sharing a little bit more about myself.

WARNING: This will probably be a bit long, lol.

I suffer from chronic deppression, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and Borderline personality disorder (BP). That's the short list of my problems.

I just want to say, before anyone goes off Googling BP, that not every case is the same and I'm not the typical. I'm "inward acting", that means I would never hurt anyone (I've never even raised my voice to someone) or do anything that would hurt someone physically/mentally/emotionally. No, what I do is hurt myself.

In years past, I use to cut myself. A lot of people don't understand people who cut. This is how I try to explain it: the physical pain from cutting, help a person to deal with the emotional pain they're feeling. It can even become an addiciton, you become addicted to the endorphins your body releases when you cut. But I'm happy to say that I have been cut free for about 4 years now.

The PTSD is pretty bad. I'm an adult survivor of child abuse. I cut my mom (my abuser) out of my life about 7 years ago, best thing I ever did. But I still suffer flashbacks and nightmare of the things she did. I have panic attacks, I can't go out by myself, I'm afraid to drive. I can't take being in large crowds of people I don't know. So, I leave the house 1-2 times a week, usually only for doctor's appointments.

Lately, the depression has been the worst. It's a struggle just to take a shower and get dressed every day. Most days, I stay in my sweats and have absolutely no energy or drive to do anything. Which just makes me feel worse.....it's just a huge circle.

I'm on medication, but it really doesn't seem to be helping. So, my doctor is playing with different medications and dosages. It's not fun. So I go to therapy and if I ever get my car running again, my therapist wants me to start going to a domestic violence group.

I also need to add that because of the ex, I haven't been in treatment for the last 2.5 years. He didn't believe in mental illness, even tho he saw and knew how bad I was. He would do anything he could to keep me from getting treatment. I think part of that was because all of my doctors and caseworkers at the time were trying to get me to leave him. But that's a blog post for another time.

I'm only mentioning a few things, that way this post doesn't get too super long.

Wow, can't believe I'm woman enough to talk about this, lol. It feels really good to talk about these things and not be afraid of what people might think of me.

Thanks for reading.

Jen

Thursday, March 12, 2009

About my polls

Thank you to everyone who voted on my little polls. The reason I did them is because I'm still freaking out about if I can make it or not. Here are the results:

What would you expect to pay for an apartment, groceries, car expenses, and utilities every month for a single person? $500-$600=1 vote; $801-$900=1 vote; $901-1000=1 vote; $1001-1100=2 votes

Do you think there is a way for a single person to live on $800 a month? (To cover rent, groceries, car expenses, medical expenses, utilities, everything) Maybe, but only cold showers and Ramen Noodles=1 vote; It can be done=2 votes


The reason I did them is because I'm freaking out about if I can make it or not on my own. I only get $800 a month and medical bills seem to really kill me every month. And I'm also still paying off some bills from my old life (they were in my name so I got stuck with them).

Apartments are pricey out here. Studio apartments in my area run about $625 a month, one bedrooms are around $800. The one saving grace I have is that I qualify for low income housing. So my one bedroom apartment is going to run me about $280 a month.

But utilities are going to be scary. My dad lived in a one bedroom apartment (just him) and his electric/gas bill ran about $225 every month.

Then I'm scared I won't be able to have a phone. I've been searching out the best deals and the best I can come up with is $75 a month. I have to have a phone, in case something goes wrong. I'll be honest here, I haven't lived totally alone since my teen years. So having my oen place and being completely alone is both exciting and terrifying. And break ins aren't that uncommon in my area, especially when it's a woman living alone.

I know I'm probably just being silly, lol. Worrying and stressing about things seems to be a hobby of mine.

I just want this to work, I want to make this work. My family has always kind of looked at me as the one with the most wasted potential, I'm like the looser of the family. And that's really something that bothers me. I try, I work towards goals, but things seem to always blow up in my face.

Ok, I'll stop now, lol.

Jen

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The thing about starting over....

Where do you start? I feel like I'm stagnant, not getting anywhere. I know it won't be like this forever, but it seems like it's going to take years to rebuild my life. Or to just have one, lol.

I have a plan, things are moving, but a snail is faster.

There is one thing I know: I'm in a much better place now and actually have a chance to have a life. And I'm stronger than I thought I was. How many people could just pack their car one morning, leaving behind their old life (and bad situation), and NEVER look back?

My sis asked the other day if I missed the ex. Nope. There really isn't much to miss. Do I miss him telling me I'm stupid? No. Do I miss him yelling at me to shut my damn mouth? No. Do I miss him threatening to drag me out of the house by my hair? No. Do I miss the other horrible things he did? HELL NO.

Yes, it's hard. I lost the house I put the $6000 down payment on, I think that's the thing I do miss. I really loved that house. And I was an idiot for putting MY settlement money down on it and then letting it be put in his name only.

But you live and learn.

I have a semi-clean slate to work with. Let's see what I can do.

Jen

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm loosing my hair

Yeah, that's right.

I take my vitamins every day. Try my best to eat right. Have had every medical test known to man. So why has my hair thinned out over the last few months? STRESS. Yep, that's what the doctors are telling me.

So, I'm suppose to just magically quit worrying about everything (not gonna happen).

But I really need to relax a little bit more. I don't like that this is happening to me, it just flat out sucks.

Jen

Monday, March 9, 2009

My poor Willie


She’s so lonely and I feel so bad. She’s use to having 12-17 of her brothers and sisters around. Now, it’s just me and her.

At first, I really thought she’d get over it and adjust, now I’m not so sure. She’s spending a lot of time in her cage and won’t play with any of her toys. I really think she wants another lil birdie to talk to and hang out with (she’s always been around other birds).

When we move into the new place, I’m going to see about adding to our little family. I’m considering a cockatiel or another Pionous. Not sure yet.

It’ll make Willie happier and it’ll make me happy too. I miss my kids, tho I know they went to a great home, I just miss them.

And hey, 3’s company, lol.

Jen

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The economy sucks

Well, I'm not exactly sure about that. I know a few people that have lost jobs. The housing foreclosure disease seems to be moving thru the neighborhood. But how much is real and how much is just perceived?

I know a lot of people aren't spending money right now because they're scared. How much is that effecting the economy?

I guess I'm thinking about this alot because I'm feeling it. I sell online and normally, I can't keep up with the orders. But right now, things are at a stand still. I'll just keep plugging ahead and wait for it to get better. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel.

Jen

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I'm a fat cow

Or at least that's how I feel right now. I just realized that in the last 3.5 months, I've GAINED over 20 pounds. I feel awful.

This isn't the biggest I've ever been, but I'm certainly not a happy camper. Body image is something I have always struggled with, and now this weight isn't helping.

Looks like it's diet time.

Jen

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Woo-hooo, new shoes


They may not be much, but they’re better than what I had.

Snagged at Walmart for $11. Yep. And they're really nice too.

of course it’ll take forever to break them in, I wear my boots more than anything else. But they’ll get there and it’ll make them last a bit longer too (that’s always a bonus).

I also scored a bunch of make up that was on clearance. Full price was $68 but I only paid $17 for it, yeeehaw. And got 4 new tshirts for $10.

Things are slowly getting a little better.

Jen

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My lists

Ok, some have noticed that I have added a couple of lists to the blog.

Well, these are mainly for me to see every time I come here, as a reminder. In my years, I’ve learned that having that visual helps me keep on track.

It also feels really fucking great when I get to mark something off the list. But I’m sure they’ll get longer before they get shorter.

Jen

Monday, March 2, 2009

A bit of good news

I received a letter in the mail today. I am going to start getting help to pay for my prescriptions. So instead of paying $200+ a month (more than 1/3 of my income) I’ll only be paying about $30.

This is a much needed relief for me. I’m trying to save for the deposit on the new apartment, pay my current rent, utilities, pay for food, doctor’s visits and prescriptions. Which has left me more and more in the red every month. I have nothing saved for the new apartment.

This break is going to give me a chance to catch up on a few other things. I’m going to replace my 8 year old glasses, I can’t see with them any more and I think they may be causing my headaches. And I’m going to buy a cheap pair of tennis shoes so I can finally throw out the nasty ones. Those are 2 necessities that I can take care of an cross off the list.

So, this month, I get to save $150.

Jen

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Some men irritate me

They really do. I’m so sick and tired of the “oh you’re a pretty girl. Let’s hook up” emails I keep getting.

And they think that these emails will get me to contact them back. Why?

They would get a lot further with “hey, how’s life? My name is xxx. I live in xxx. I enjoy xxx. I saw your site/blog/myspace and we have xxxx in common. Let’s talk”. That type of email would get them a lot further.

Not that I’m trying to meet men on the internet. I just like making friends online and I’m always open to meeting new people. I have lots of email friends.

I did have an “online romance” once with a really great guy, it lasted for 2 years (we emailed every day for 10 months before I would give him my phone number and at 15 months, I finally let him know where I live). But it didn’t work out and we’re still friends.

It just amazes me how many guys think they’ll drop you a message and you’ll hook up with them. Do woman actually do that? I mean if it’s your thing, so be it, to each their own. But it’s just not for me.

So, if you’re going to email me, keep a few things in mind.

#1- I DO NOT HOOK UP. So don’t waste your time.

#2- I DO like hearing from people and striking up friendships. But again, only expect a friendship and don’t hope for anything more.

#3- Have something to say. If you email me with “oh you’re a pretty girl” and nothing else, I will not reply.

Just had to get this off my chest. It’s really irritating to get those empty emails and messages.

Jen

Friday, February 27, 2009

Yes, this IS my life

**Warning: this post is a little personal. Talk of sex and toys. If this makes you uncomfortable, stop reading now.**

Ok, first a little background.

I’ve always been one of those uncomfortable people when it comes to sex. The rules: No one is permitted to see me naked and the lights are always off during sex. Yeah, I’ve always been a bit of a prude. I never went thru a promiscuous phase. And honestly, I was never really interested in sex.

Then I turned 32. When they say your hormones go into overdrive after 30, they aren’t kidding. At 32, mine went into super overdrive and have stayed there. I think about it all the time, just have no one to follow thru with. Ug.

My sister is a different story. She totally owns her sexuality. She enjoys a healthy relationship with her husband, has no problem with being naked or her body, and has no problem letting people know they use “toys”.

Now back to my story.

So, in honor of my newly single status, I’ve been trying to keep an open mind about things. I’m certainly not the type to pick up strange men in a bar or online. I don’t do the one nighter thing.

I was out with my sister the other day running errands. She then informed me that she needed to stop by the “adult toy store” because her favorite toy had broken (how the hell does that happen? Ahem). I had talked to her about getting a toy of my own, but I’m such a prude, I wanted to order something thru the mail. But I went in with her anyway.

I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. One of the clerks came over to help my sister, she quickly told them she was a repeat customer but that I needed helping. Ug. I have never used “uh, um, well, um, uh” so much in my life, lol.

I explained to her that I was a first timer. The clerk grabbed an item from the shelf, popped it out of the package, put batteries in it, and handed it to me. So, there I stood with this vibrator in my hand humming away. I thought I was going to die.

The clerk then informs me that it’s a perfect “first toy” and she has one at home. She even told me that it “gets to all the right spots”.

Ug. Vibrator shopping with my sister? What has my life become?

Not to mention, a week later, my sister was asking me if I had used “bob” and if I liked him.

Jen

Thursday, February 26, 2009

My wardrobe needs serious help

It really does. Being broke hasn’t helped it over the last 8 years.

My wardrobe consists of:

**3 pairs of blue jeans. 2 pairs are size 8, which is my size. And one pair that is size 12, I keep them just because I can’t afford to get rid of them.

**10 t-shirts. Most of which are 8+ years old. I really need to start throwing them away. A lot of the have holes in them, something my sister keeps pointing out. But if I throw them out, I have nothing else to wear, lol.

**3 good tops. These are shirts that only get worn 2-3 times a year. I don’t have many nice clothes, so I have to make these last as long as possible.

**3 pairs of sweats. These I wear around the house and as pjs.

**1 pair of short boots. I just recently bought these and absolutely love them. If I had a say so, I would wear nothing but boots all the time, year round. I love them in every style.

**1 pair of walking shoes. These are trashed. They’re suppose to be white, but because I wore them when I was working, they’re cover in grease and nastiness, making them now almost completely black. There are a few family members who won’t allow me to wear these into their houses (see pic). But they’re all I have.

That’s it. I don’t own any dresses or slacks. Hell, I don’t even own a curling iron, lol.

My wardrobe and I really need a make over.

Jen

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Freaking Out

I talked to the woman about my housing. They started their program last April, so those leases will be up in April. I’ll have an apartment if someone decides not to renew their lease. So I have a chance, not much of one, but still a chance. Apartments are really expensive around here, so when you can get on that’s affordable, people have a tendency to hold on to it.

So, I’m really excited about getting my own place. My sister has some really strict rules. I’m not allowed to have friends over, especially any men. If I get a phone call, I have o tell her who it is and what they want. She looks over my shoulder when I’m on the computer. And if I try to say something about it, she reminds me that she could throw me out (it’s her rules or the highway). There’s been no fights, I follow the rules even though they make me feel like less and less of a person. I appreciate what my sister and her husband have done for me, I love and adore them both. I just can’t wait to be out of here so I can start living again.

Now, I’m excited that the finish line is in sight. Most people would be happy right? I am. But now I’m freaking out about other things.

I don’t have anything for an apartment. No furniture (couch, tables, etc), no silverware, dishes, shower curtains, curtains in general. No tv, phone, chairs. Hell, I don’t even own a bed (I currently sleep on a cheap futon, that’s falling apart). Not to mention no towels, sheets, lamps. Nothing.

Over the last few months, I’ve been hitting up people to see if they have anything I could have. My youngest sister said she has a Playstation 2 I can have (not that I need it, lol) and a small bedside table. The sister I live with says I can have a coffee table and a lamp. And that’s it.

So, I’ll have an apartment. But I’ll be sitting on the floor, eating with my hands, in silence in the dark while my neighbors walk by peering in at me.

But it’ll all be mine. ;)

Jen
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