Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Slowly making progress

I saw my therapist yesterday. It was time to go over our therapy goals. We go over them every 3 months to see if any progress has been made. Here's my update, some good, some bad.

Social interaction - Minimal Progress (she actually counts this blog)
Energy levels - Regressed (my functioning has decreased)
Mood levels - No change
Coping skills - Minimal progress (I've been using breathing to control anxiety)
Self harm - Moderate progress (I haven't been having the urges)
Assertiveness - No change
Ability to recognize abusive situations - No change
Improvement of sense of self - Regressed (I have no self identity)


So there's been a bit of progress. Not much, but a little. I really hate having regressed in any area, but I guess you'll have that.

It was an ok session, we mainly did the report. Didn't get to talk about much.

Next time I go, I'm going to talk to her about how to get beyond the memories of abuse. I still have nightmares and flashbacks of things my mom did. I don't want them any more, they serve no purpose and it's time to put the past to bed. Just not sure how to go about doing that.

Jen


Monday, March 30, 2009

Where I can start…

Yesterday’s post was shameful. But some days are like that, there’s still a lot of down moments for me right now.

So I really feel like I need to talk more about things that I can do. That aren’t beyond my abilities right now.

Go for a walk. I need to get more time outside. Not to mention I need the exercise and movement.

Do a workout DVD every day. It’ll help me get healthier. Not to mention the weight I need to loose.

Read for an hour every day. I can handle this. Actually, I like reading so much, I usually get sucked into reading for hours. I just need to get a few books, I only have 3 right now.

Comment on my favorite blogs. I’m a really bad commenter. I probably read 20-30 blogs a day, think of commenting, but don’t. Not sure why I do this. I’ve even typed in comments and then just deleted them. This is a habit I’m really going to try to break.

Work on my online store. There’s always something I could be doing to make my store better. Like my descriptions, I’m really bad at those so they could use tweaking.

Write for both blogs every day. I really want to start making it a habit. I always feel so bad when I skip posting. It’s not from a lack of something to write about, I seem to never run out of things to say.

Crochet for 2 hours every day. I love to crochet and I usually do it every day, but not lately. I have the yarn for 5 projects, but all of them are just sitting here.

So this is a nice start, if I can stick to it and do them every day. That’s where I run into troubles, getting motivated to do them every day. Like the exercising, I’ll tell myself: “Monday, I’ll start Monday. That’s a better day to start”. Then Monday rolls around and I don’t get around to it, Mondays are doctor days and really busy.

Can someone just reprogram my brain, seriously? It just needs a little tweaking, in the area of following thru on good intentions. Nothing a big shot of motivation and extra energy wouldn’t fix.

Anyone?

Jen

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Where do you start over?

This is something I struggle with a lot. Especially since things seem to be at a stand still right now.

Ok, I know, leaving was the first step. But what now? The list of things I want/need/have to do seems to be getting longer and longer. Nothing is getting checked out. Things just keep getting more complicated.

I have to find an apartment. When I got here, it was agreed I could stay 6 months. I’ve got about a month left. Not only that, but even my therapist agrees, I need to be on my own, living here is hurting me no helping me.

I have to get my car running. I just have to. I need to be able to come and go on my own, without using my sister’s car. Besides, I need to be able to get around when I do move. Why do car repairs have to be so expensive? Not only that, but my plates are due in May and my car won’t be able to be plated until the repairs are made.

These are the 2 major hiccups right now. These seem impossible, which makes everything else seem impossible too.

Jen

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I made a new friend

Because of the neighborhood, there’s a lot of stray animals around here. Not just the pets that get let out at night. I’m talking full blown strays.

It just breaks my heart. I come from a long line of animal lovers. When I was a kid, at one point we had in the house: 6 cats, 2 dogs, 2 guinea pigs, a hamster, a snake, a salamander, a bunny, 4 kids (and all our friends) and the parents. Yeah, we always had a zoo going on (both 2 and 4 legged).


Recently, there’s this long haired, beautiful, black cat that I see hanging around outside every once in a while. He’s sweet, if you call him he’ll come over and meow at you. He’ll rub against things like he wants to be petted, but he won’t let you touch him. He’s gorgeous. He’s extremely thin, but looks to be pretty healthy.

He just breaks my heart. Other neighborhood cats beat up on him.

I wish I had the money to take care of him. I’d catch him and he could be all warm, cared for and loved. It’s obvious he was a pet at some point in time.

I’ve actually been thinking of giving him a name, just because. Maybe Harvey, lol. When it comes to naming I go with what just comes to me and feels right. Yes, I think he just might be Harvey.

I wonder when Harvey will be back? Harvey is such a pretty kitty. What’s the Harv up o today?

Yep. Harvey it is.

Jen

Friday, March 27, 2009

This is my space


Today, I thought I’d give you a little deeper look into a bit of my life.

I spent 8+ years with the ex. He had my mind so messed up, I believed that my family didn’t care about me and would never help me. I told my dad I wanted to leave, but I was scared because I didn’t know where I would go or what to do. He told me to call my sisters.

A few days later, I started talking to my sister about getting out. She ok’ed it with her fiancé and said I could come stay with them. I planned to leave a few weeks later, but the ex was getting worse and worse, so I left early.

My sis and her now husband (they got married in December) rent a small house in a not so good town. This town is known for it’s high crime rate which has gotten worse because of the
economy.

When I got here, I started out sleeping on the couch. That was killing my already bad back and sucked for the newlyweds every morning. So, I had to come up with a new arrangement.

The house has a sunroom. This room is 9’ by 8’, it even has windows into the main part of the house (including their bedroom). So, I got an air mattress and began sleeping out there.

It was ok, til the first night of negative temperatures. This room has no heating vents and isn’t insulated. So I went out and bought an electric heater and put plastic up all over the windows and the door to the outside. Now it stays a good 65 in there, which is nice.

The other major problem was sleeping on the air mattress on the floor. There’s no insulation down there and it was always freezing. I was sleeping with 6 comforters and every sheet I could
get my hands on. So, for my birthday, my dad bought me a futon. It got me off the floor and is rather nice to sleep on (I never fold it up tho). And it gives me something to move into the apartment when I get one.

It’s small. It’s not perfect. But it’s my space. I like having a space that’s all mine. And I love the wood in the room.

It’s also perfect for Willy. Her cage is by the window to the living room, so she can be out of her cage all day and interact with whoever is in the living room.

So, that’s where I live. The pictures are of my actual space, but they are before I got the futon. It’s a little crowded, I really need a dresser.


Jen

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Secret

I think a lot of people have heard of The Secret. It’s about the Law of Attraction. I won’t go into details about it here.

A few months back, a friend gave me a copy of the DVD. I really found it inspiring, even tho I have trouble keeping my thoughts positive.

I was doing really good for a while, then kind of fell off the wagon.

Last week, I had some money left over from an Amazon gift card, so I ordered the book for $4. I got a really great deal, it’s a brand new hardcover book.

I’ve started reading it. I really like the concept, it sounds easy in words on a page. I just have a lot of problems putting it into action. It’s something I’m really going to work on.

I’ll let you know how I do.

Jen

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I hate my psychiatrist

I really do. Every session, it takes everything I have to resist the urge to jump across the desk and strangle him. Seriously.

Ok, let me tell you about him.

He’s a Chinese immigrant. He asks me questions, I answer, he repeats the answer out loud while typing it into the computer (which irritates me to no end). But not only that, he doesn’t have a good grip on the English language, so when he types in my answer, he gets things twisted around and wrong.


For example, he asked me about my drinking habits. I tell him I drink every once in a while, maybe once a month. He types in computer that I drink 3-4 times a week. I try to correct him and he starts saying I drink every day. Errrr.

Then he asks me about how I’ve been feeling, so I tell him. I then get a 20 minute lecture about how mean I am and how I need to stop being so mean to myself. Well duh, that’s part of what depression does to you, it’s not like I enjoy it or mean to do it.

I’ve had 4 psychiatrists over the last 6 years. I have to admit this guy is the worst. I feel worse after seeing him. I’ll have a session with him and be even more depressed for days afterwards.

I talked to my therapist about getting another doc, it won’t happen. He’s the only one in that takes my insurance, so I have to just figure out how to grin and bear it. That’s what happens in an over stressed, under funded system. You get care, even if that care just does more damage.

Jen

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Does this make me a “Cougar”?

Ok, this past weekend, I went and spent the night with youngest sister, she’s 20. No big deal, just a couple of sisters catching up. So, while I was there, her boyfriend came home and we were all having fun talking. Then a friend of a friend of a friend of his came over.

This is where things get little weird.


This friend was cute and nice, I sat talking with him. Joking around just being social. Then, it was strange, he started coming on to me. Hmm, kind of caught me off guard. This kid was only 25. Yes, let me say that again, HE WAS ONLY 25.

It was a different situation for me. I steer clear of younger men, and have never had anything to do with someone more than 5 years younger than me. So this was strange to me.

It was fun, I certainly enjoyed the attention. And he was a really nice guy. Not someone I would date or get involved with, but there isn’t anything wrong with a few hours of cuddling, talking and a few innocent kisses.

We both agreed no further contact is necessary. Hell, we didn’t even exchange phone numbers.

Why do I feel sort of embarrassed about it now? Does this make me some sort of “cougar”?

I guess it’s weird for me because I really prefer men who are older than me. This was just a chance thing. Gosh I need to be around older people more, lol.

Any words of wisdom? Anyone? I guess now, I feel a little ashamed of myself for messin around with someone so much younger than me.

Jen

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Clarifying my last post

I've gotten a few emails regarding my last post.

No, I don't have a heart condition. As far as I know, I do have a heart murmur and my cholesterol is on the high side.

The paranoia about having a heart attack is something that has just started in the last 2-3 months. Not sure where it came from or why it's happening, but I seem to be totally obsessed with having a heart attack.

Thank you for your concerns.

Jen

Friday, March 20, 2009

Help, The way my mind works

I've talked to my doctors a lot about this and they ever say is "it's the anxiety disorder". So, let's see what everyone else thinks.

I forget things. Seriously. You can tell me something and then 3 minutes later, it's gone. No exaggeration here. Had a conversation with my sis the other day, maybe a 10 minute convo. At the end of the conversation, I couldn't remember the first thing she had told me, and she had told me not to forget, lol.

I explained this to the doctors and they said not to worry. That once the anxiety has been gotten under control, it'll happen less. But to be honest, I just don't see it happen.


At any minute of any day, my mind is thinking about 200 things. Like right now, I can't even be completely focused on this blog post. Oh, this is a good example. This is what's going thru my mind right now, I'll type it all out for one full minute:

i'm never going to get housing, is there a place i haven't called yet, can i get the housework done before sis gets home. will i ever be loveable. where am i going to be in 5 years. am i going to be able to get my car running. what will i wear to the wedding reception in may. am i going to go to the wedding reception. how do i started dating again. should i start. will i ever have friends. can i have the life i want. i haven't made a payment to xxx. i wonder when my dad is going to be back from florida. does my stuff suck that bad. will i have more sales in my store. i need to loose 40 pounds. should i stop taking my vitamin. if i work out to the dvd, will i have a heart attack. is my sis going to find me dead one morning from a heart attack.

Ok, so that was 2 minutes, I type kind of slow.

My doctors say I need to try to consciously slow down my thoughts and just not think about some things. This is REALLY easy to say, lol, but another thing entirely TO DO. When I try to slow things down, it seems to go into overdrive and spiral out of control.

And because my mind works like this, I don't have room in there for the things I'm suppose to remember. It can be really frustrating sometimes.

There are days where I'm non-functional because my brain is just cranking out things. I can't do anything because I'm so "foggy" and can't think straight. I can't eat, I don't shower. Hell, there's even been times I won't drive because the fog is so bad.

Believe it or not, I was an honors student in school. I love being in school and learning new things. In school, the thoughts actually seem to slow down. I never have a problem focusing. I miss school, lol. I tried going to college, my thoughts weren't a problem. The depression and social anxiety were, so I had to quit.

Any thoughts? Ideas? Any suggestions? Anyone out there who's gotten this type of thing under control? I'm desperate here.

Jen

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Had a little talk with myself

First, I want to thank you all. In the weeks since I started this blog, I just cannot believe the wonderful people I've met and had the chance to email chat with. You all are so wonderful and I can't tell you how thankful I am.

Now back to my post.

I was feeling pretty bad yesterday, doing my normal negative self talk and beating myself up pretty good. I was thinking about all the things I "should" be doing and where I'm going to be in 5 years. Ug. I was worrying about the apartment and how my car isn't running.

After an entire afternoon and evening of this, I once again found myself unable to sleep lastnight. Yuck.

So here's the little convo I had with myself:

"Bitch what are you doing?" (yeah I can be a little harsh with myself)
Answer: Not a whole hell of a lot.

"All I hear you think about is all the crappy stuff. I want to hear you think about the good stuff right fucking now!"
Uh, I got nothing.

"Don't give me that bullshit. I want you to list right now all the goodness that makes up Jen, just do it."
(So I did, hm) I have a huge heart. I love animals. I'm really good at helping people with their problems (my own, not so much, lol). I always try my hardest at everything. I have never in my life broken a promise to someone. That's all I got.

"Ok, good start, but you forgot killer sense of humor. Now, I want you to list the things that you CAN be doing to move things in the right direction."
Um, again, nothin.

"WOMAN!"
Ok, ok. I could be working out, that would definitely make me feel better. I could be reading more, I just love to read. That's all I can think of, it is 4:37 AM afterall.

"Ok, that's a start, but now you need to have more follow thru. Get your ass moving. Don't make me have this conversation with you again. I understand that sometimes you need a swift kick in the ass, but this is ridiculous. You're 36, single with no children. You should be building the life you want and most of all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Now, get some fucking sleep."

Went right to sleep after that, lol. This is the first time I've had this type of conversation with myself. Hope it's the start of a new trend, lol.

No, I'm not totally out of mind. Everyone has conversations with themselves on a daily basis. Just maybe not like mine.

Jen

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The ex

Where do I start.

Well, someone has brought to my attention that my ex is now online. Not that he doesn't have the right, just that it makes me feel kind of weird. Besides, he always HATED computers and being online, so it kind of surprises me. As long as I don't give away too much, I don't think he could find me. And if he does, I'll just deal with it.

So of course this situation has made me think of him. Not something I like doing.

Do I miss him? Not really. It was never much of a relationship. He would never hug me, cuddle on the couch. He'd never kiss me unless he wanted sex.

It even got to a point where I wasn't allowed to talk about anything. If I tried to talk, I'd get yelled at to shut up. There were nights where he'd sit on the couch ignoring me for 6 hours.

A few days before I left, he was screaming at me and I actually stood up for myself, I raised my voice. This was not a good thing, I was promptly told how he "would drag me out of the house by my hair".

Then there are the times he would shove me around and stuff.

And he use to wonder why I wasn't into having sex with him, which I find hilarious. When someone treats you that badly, of course you don't want to have sex with them. Being told your fat and stupid is NOT a turn on.

I started out calling it "8 wasted years of my life". But now I try to look at it more positively than that. Now I tell people: "Yes, I stayed longer than I should have. But I learned a lot of things".

The only things that really make me sad are the fact that if I hadn't gotten a settlement, he wouldn't now have a house. And I love and miss that house. And he kept 4 of the birds, I worry about them and miss them alot. But him? Not so much.

My life now is far from perfect, but now I have a chance to be the person I'm suppose to be. I can now how all the thoughts and feelings I want, I can be a real person. Not the zombie he always made me into.

Jen

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Therapy

So I had therapy yesterday, that usually makes for a hard day. It usually takes a lot out of me, but not yesterday. I felt really good, like I was getting somewhere for a change, lol. That is, until the ride home, ug.

My 23 year old sis, who I'm living with, had to give me a ride because my car is not running. No big deal. So she always asks me how therapy went and what we talked about. I never have a problem with telling her about it, except I usually leave out the really emotional parts.

So, I told her we talked about my shop and my blog. And that my therapist thought it was really great that I'm enjoying blogging and saying whatever I want. That's when she started in
"Well, I think that's just wrong. Your therapist should be getting you to leave the house, not blog. That's just not right." Blah, blah, blah
I love my sis, I really do. And I'm so grateful that she's letting me stay here while I'm getting my act together. But sometimes, I just really want to punch her in the mouth, yeah.

In 2 minutes flat, she took all the wind out of my sails. I went from feeling pretty good to feeling crappy.

I'm sorry she doesn't understand, she pretty much hates computers and anything to do with them. She'll even admit that. But she also thinks that everything in the world MUST work the way she wants it to, no matter what. And if it doesn't, it must be something stupid and she has no use for it. Yeah, seriously.

On a daily basis, my bro-in-law and I joke about it. "It's her world, she just let's us hang out sometimes".

I really need to get the hell out of here before I loose my mind. I'm going to call around again and see if I can find some place where the waiting list isn't 14 months long.

Jen

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The good ol days

I remember way back when.

My family has always been a highly computer oriented family. My dad did computer work for Ford Motor Company. So we always had them in the house.

The first computer I ever had, I got in pieces. My dad tole me "if you can get it together and running, you can use it". Well, 3 days later, I had that bitch together and running. I loved it.

I can also remember when we got the internet and dad let me use it. Those awful, nerve grating dial-up sounds, lol.

Then I discovered chatting, oh yes. I would be at my computer chatting when dad went to be....and that's right where I'd be when he got up to leave for work, lol. It was before all the internet porn and people looking for booty calls. Back then, it was just a bunch of talking about life and ourselves, really innocent.

I even spent a month in California with one of my friends from chat. Yeah. Nothing weird or sexual about it, just one friend visiting the other. It was nice.

Nowadays, there's no good place to chat and you have to worry about being stalked/raped/worse.

I miss those days, they were a lot of fun.

Jen

Friday, March 13, 2009

More about me

Well, I seem to be feeling a little more comfortable with blogging now. I've gotten a lot of great comments, advice and words of incouragement. Not something I was expecting when I first decided to start doing this. Now, I feel like sharing a little bit more about myself.

WARNING: This will probably be a bit long, lol.

I suffer from chronic deppression, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and Borderline personality disorder (BP). That's the short list of my problems.

I just want to say, before anyone goes off Googling BP, that not every case is the same and I'm not the typical. I'm "inward acting", that means I would never hurt anyone (I've never even raised my voice to someone) or do anything that would hurt someone physically/mentally/emotionally. No, what I do is hurt myself.

In years past, I use to cut myself. A lot of people don't understand people who cut. This is how I try to explain it: the physical pain from cutting, help a person to deal with the emotional pain they're feeling. It can even become an addiciton, you become addicted to the endorphins your body releases when you cut. But I'm happy to say that I have been cut free for about 4 years now.

The PTSD is pretty bad. I'm an adult survivor of child abuse. I cut my mom (my abuser) out of my life about 7 years ago, best thing I ever did. But I still suffer flashbacks and nightmare of the things she did. I have panic attacks, I can't go out by myself, I'm afraid to drive. I can't take being in large crowds of people I don't know. So, I leave the house 1-2 times a week, usually only for doctor's appointments.

Lately, the depression has been the worst. It's a struggle just to take a shower and get dressed every day. Most days, I stay in my sweats and have absolutely no energy or drive to do anything. Which just makes me feel worse.....it's just a huge circle.

I'm on medication, but it really doesn't seem to be helping. So, my doctor is playing with different medications and dosages. It's not fun. So I go to therapy and if I ever get my car running again, my therapist wants me to start going to a domestic violence group.

I also need to add that because of the ex, I haven't been in treatment for the last 2.5 years. He didn't believe in mental illness, even tho he saw and knew how bad I was. He would do anything he could to keep me from getting treatment. I think part of that was because all of my doctors and caseworkers at the time were trying to get me to leave him. But that's a blog post for another time.

I'm only mentioning a few things, that way this post doesn't get too super long.

Wow, can't believe I'm woman enough to talk about this, lol. It feels really good to talk about these things and not be afraid of what people might think of me.

Thanks for reading.

Jen

Thursday, March 12, 2009

About my polls

Thank you to everyone who voted on my little polls. The reason I did them is because I'm still freaking out about if I can make it or not. Here are the results:

What would you expect to pay for an apartment, groceries, car expenses, and utilities every month for a single person? $500-$600=1 vote; $801-$900=1 vote; $901-1000=1 vote; $1001-1100=2 votes

Do you think there is a way for a single person to live on $800 a month? (To cover rent, groceries, car expenses, medical expenses, utilities, everything) Maybe, but only cold showers and Ramen Noodles=1 vote; It can be done=2 votes


The reason I did them is because I'm freaking out about if I can make it or not on my own. I only get $800 a month and medical bills seem to really kill me every month. And I'm also still paying off some bills from my old life (they were in my name so I got stuck with them).

Apartments are pricey out here. Studio apartments in my area run about $625 a month, one bedrooms are around $800. The one saving grace I have is that I qualify for low income housing. So my one bedroom apartment is going to run me about $280 a month.

But utilities are going to be scary. My dad lived in a one bedroom apartment (just him) and his electric/gas bill ran about $225 every month.

Then I'm scared I won't be able to have a phone. I've been searching out the best deals and the best I can come up with is $75 a month. I have to have a phone, in case something goes wrong. I'll be honest here, I haven't lived totally alone since my teen years. So having my oen place and being completely alone is both exciting and terrifying. And break ins aren't that uncommon in my area, especially when it's a woman living alone.

I know I'm probably just being silly, lol. Worrying and stressing about things seems to be a hobby of mine.

I just want this to work, I want to make this work. My family has always kind of looked at me as the one with the most wasted potential, I'm like the looser of the family. And that's really something that bothers me. I try, I work towards goals, but things seem to always blow up in my face.

Ok, I'll stop now, lol.

Jen

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The thing about starting over....

Where do you start? I feel like I'm stagnant, not getting anywhere. I know it won't be like this forever, but it seems like it's going to take years to rebuild my life. Or to just have one, lol.

I have a plan, things are moving, but a snail is faster.

There is one thing I know: I'm in a much better place now and actually have a chance to have a life. And I'm stronger than I thought I was. How many people could just pack their car one morning, leaving behind their old life (and bad situation), and NEVER look back?

My sis asked the other day if I missed the ex. Nope. There really isn't much to miss. Do I miss him telling me I'm stupid? No. Do I miss him yelling at me to shut my damn mouth? No. Do I miss him threatening to drag me out of the house by my hair? No. Do I miss the other horrible things he did? HELL NO.

Yes, it's hard. I lost the house I put the $6000 down payment on, I think that's the thing I do miss. I really loved that house. And I was an idiot for putting MY settlement money down on it and then letting it be put in his name only.

But you live and learn.

I have a semi-clean slate to work with. Let's see what I can do.

Jen

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm loosing my hair

Yeah, that's right.

I take my vitamins every day. Try my best to eat right. Have had every medical test known to man. So why has my hair thinned out over the last few months? STRESS. Yep, that's what the doctors are telling me.

So, I'm suppose to just magically quit worrying about everything (not gonna happen).

But I really need to relax a little bit more. I don't like that this is happening to me, it just flat out sucks.

Jen

Monday, March 9, 2009

My poor Willie


She’s so lonely and I feel so bad. She’s use to having 12-17 of her brothers and sisters around. Now, it’s just me and her.

At first, I really thought she’d get over it and adjust, now I’m not so sure. She’s spending a lot of time in her cage and won’t play with any of her toys. I really think she wants another lil birdie to talk to and hang out with (she’s always been around other birds).

When we move into the new place, I’m going to see about adding to our little family. I’m considering a cockatiel or another Pionous. Not sure yet.

It’ll make Willie happier and it’ll make me happy too. I miss my kids, tho I know they went to a great home, I just miss them.

And hey, 3’s company, lol.

Jen

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The economy sucks

Well, I'm not exactly sure about that. I know a few people that have lost jobs. The housing foreclosure disease seems to be moving thru the neighborhood. But how much is real and how much is just perceived?

I know a lot of people aren't spending money right now because they're scared. How much is that effecting the economy?

I guess I'm thinking about this alot because I'm feeling it. I sell online and normally, I can't keep up with the orders. But right now, things are at a stand still. I'll just keep plugging ahead and wait for it to get better. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel.

Jen

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I'm a fat cow

Or at least that's how I feel right now. I just realized that in the last 3.5 months, I've GAINED over 20 pounds. I feel awful.

This isn't the biggest I've ever been, but I'm certainly not a happy camper. Body image is something I have always struggled with, and now this weight isn't helping.

Looks like it's diet time.

Jen

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Woo-hooo, new shoes


They may not be much, but they’re better than what I had.

Snagged at Walmart for $11. Yep. And they're really nice too.

of course it’ll take forever to break them in, I wear my boots more than anything else. But they’ll get there and it’ll make them last a bit longer too (that’s always a bonus).

I also scored a bunch of make up that was on clearance. Full price was $68 but I only paid $17 for it, yeeehaw. And got 4 new tshirts for $10.

Things are slowly getting a little better.

Jen

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My lists

Ok, some have noticed that I have added a couple of lists to the blog.

Well, these are mainly for me to see every time I come here, as a reminder. In my years, I’ve learned that having that visual helps me keep on track.

It also feels really fucking great when I get to mark something off the list. But I’m sure they’ll get longer before they get shorter.

Jen

Monday, March 2, 2009

A bit of good news

I received a letter in the mail today. I am going to start getting help to pay for my prescriptions. So instead of paying $200+ a month (more than 1/3 of my income) I’ll only be paying about $30.

This is a much needed relief for me. I’m trying to save for the deposit on the new apartment, pay my current rent, utilities, pay for food, doctor’s visits and prescriptions. Which has left me more and more in the red every month. I have nothing saved for the new apartment.

This break is going to give me a chance to catch up on a few other things. I’m going to replace my 8 year old glasses, I can’t see with them any more and I think they may be causing my headaches. And I’m going to buy a cheap pair of tennis shoes so I can finally throw out the nasty ones. Those are 2 necessities that I can take care of an cross off the list.

So, this month, I get to save $150.

Jen
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