Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The ex

Where do I start.

Well, someone has brought to my attention that my ex is now online. Not that he doesn't have the right, just that it makes me feel kind of weird. Besides, he always HATED computers and being online, so it kind of surprises me. As long as I don't give away too much, I don't think he could find me. And if he does, I'll just deal with it.

So of course this situation has made me think of him. Not something I like doing.

Do I miss him? Not really. It was never much of a relationship. He would never hug me, cuddle on the couch. He'd never kiss me unless he wanted sex.

It even got to a point where I wasn't allowed to talk about anything. If I tried to talk, I'd get yelled at to shut up. There were nights where he'd sit on the couch ignoring me for 6 hours.

A few days before I left, he was screaming at me and I actually stood up for myself, I raised my voice. This was not a good thing, I was promptly told how he "would drag me out of the house by my hair".

Then there are the times he would shove me around and stuff.

And he use to wonder why I wasn't into having sex with him, which I find hilarious. When someone treats you that badly, of course you don't want to have sex with them. Being told your fat and stupid is NOT a turn on.

I started out calling it "8 wasted years of my life". But now I try to look at it more positively than that. Now I tell people: "Yes, I stayed longer than I should have. But I learned a lot of things".

The only things that really make me sad are the fact that if I hadn't gotten a settlement, he wouldn't now have a house. And I love and miss that house. And he kept 4 of the birds, I worry about them and miss them alot. But him? Not so much.

My life now is far from perfect, but now I have a chance to be the person I'm suppose to be. I can now how all the thoughts and feelings I want, I can be a real person. Not the zombie he always made me into.



Leire said...

Hi Jen

I'm glad I found your blog through Kimmy today. I've just read all you wrote so far. My name is Leire, and I'm a 29 year old Spanish nurse. Don't worry about how to pronounce it though, it's quite difficult for anglosaxon people if you don't know any Spanish!lol

I'm lovin' your blog, we always learn from other people's experiences you know. I have 2 blogs you can have a look at (well, actually one, because the other one is in Spanish) although I don't say much and don't update it everyday. I just post stuff on it, I don't actually "write". But I think I will post something in English so you can get to know me better, and for what is worth...I think it would be really interesting to get to know you and keep reading about your life across the big ocean that separates us. I visited your country five times.
I think you are a brave woman. Keep up!!

My best wishes

Leire said...

Ah! Sorry if I make any language mistakes...English is not my mothertongue, although it is actually my greatest hobby!!

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