Thursday, March 19, 2009

Had a little talk with myself

First, I want to thank you all. In the weeks since I started this blog, I just cannot believe the wonderful people I've met and had the chance to email chat with. You all are so wonderful and I can't tell you how thankful I am.

Now back to my post.

I was feeling pretty bad yesterday, doing my normal negative self talk and beating myself up pretty good. I was thinking about all the things I "should" be doing and where I'm going to be in 5 years. Ug. I was worrying about the apartment and how my car isn't running.

After an entire afternoon and evening of this, I once again found myself unable to sleep lastnight. Yuck.

So here's the little convo I had with myself:

"Bitch what are you doing?" (yeah I can be a little harsh with myself)
Answer: Not a whole hell of a lot.

"All I hear you think about is all the crappy stuff. I want to hear you think about the good stuff right fucking now!"
Uh, I got nothing.

"Don't give me that bullshit. I want you to list right now all the goodness that makes up Jen, just do it."
(So I did, hm) I have a huge heart. I love animals. I'm really good at helping people with their problems (my own, not so much, lol). I always try my hardest at everything. I have never in my life broken a promise to someone. That's all I got.

"Ok, good start, but you forgot killer sense of humor. Now, I want you to list the things that you CAN be doing to move things in the right direction."
Um, again, nothin.

Ok, ok. I could be working out, that would definitely make me feel better. I could be reading more, I just love to read. That's all I can think of, it is 4:37 AM afterall.

"Ok, that's a start, but now you need to have more follow thru. Get your ass moving. Don't make me have this conversation with you again. I understand that sometimes you need a swift kick in the ass, but this is ridiculous. You're 36, single with no children. You should be building the life you want and most of all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Now, get some fucking sleep."

Went right to sleep after that, lol. This is the first time I've had this type of conversation with myself. Hope it's the start of a new trend, lol.

No, I'm not totally out of mind. Everyone has conversations with themselves on a daily basis. Just maybe not like mine.



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