Friday, March 13, 2009

More about me

Well, I seem to be feeling a little more comfortable with blogging now. I've gotten a lot of great comments, advice and words of incouragement. Not something I was expecting when I first decided to start doing this. Now, I feel like sharing a little bit more about myself.

WARNING: This will probably be a bit long, lol.

I suffer from chronic deppression, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and Borderline personality disorder (BP). That's the short list of my problems.

I just want to say, before anyone goes off Googling BP, that not every case is the same and I'm not the typical. I'm "inward acting", that means I would never hurt anyone (I've never even raised my voice to someone) or do anything that would hurt someone physically/mentally/emotionally. No, what I do is hurt myself.

In years past, I use to cut myself. A lot of people don't understand people who cut. This is how I try to explain it: the physical pain from cutting, help a person to deal with the emotional pain they're feeling. It can even become an addiciton, you become addicted to the endorphins your body releases when you cut. But I'm happy to say that I have been cut free for about 4 years now.

The PTSD is pretty bad. I'm an adult survivor of child abuse. I cut my mom (my abuser) out of my life about 7 years ago, best thing I ever did. But I still suffer flashbacks and nightmare of the things she did. I have panic attacks, I can't go out by myself, I'm afraid to drive. I can't take being in large crowds of people I don't know. So, I leave the house 1-2 times a week, usually only for doctor's appointments.

Lately, the depression has been the worst. It's a struggle just to take a shower and get dressed every day. Most days, I stay in my sweats and have absolutely no energy or drive to do anything. Which just makes me feel's just a huge circle.

I'm on medication, but it really doesn't seem to be helping. So, my doctor is playing with different medications and dosages. It's not fun. So I go to therapy and if I ever get my car running again, my therapist wants me to start going to a domestic violence group.

I also need to add that because of the ex, I haven't been in treatment for the last 2.5 years. He didn't believe in mental illness, even tho he saw and knew how bad I was. He would do anything he could to keep me from getting treatment. I think part of that was because all of my doctors and caseworkers at the time were trying to get me to leave him. But that's a blog post for another time.

I'm only mentioning a few things, that way this post doesn't get too super long.

Wow, can't believe I'm woman enough to talk about this, lol. It feels really good to talk about these things and not be afraid of what people might think of me.

Thanks for reading.



LilysGramma said...

Hi Jen, I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain. My daughter was a cutter, so I understand how hard it was to stop. She has been "cut free" for 4 years now as well. :) I would like to recomend a couple of bloggers who might have some insight to offer you, the first Roxie at, she is awesome and has so many fabulous stories about recovery from painful addictions, including cutting. Now' I'm not saying you need an addiction recovery site, but Roxie is so inspiring, I think you might love her sight as much as I do. The next one is (I'm not putting these in link format so that I don't get sent to spam.:) Take care sweetheart. Keep up the blogging, its great therapy, and you have an excellent readable style! Good luck!

David said...

Hi. You sound like you are in a rough spot now. Along with following what you are doing now, I’d encourage studying methods for manifesting reality through our thoughts. It is commonly called the law of attraction. It won’t solve everything, but it will help. I have known people who, by using these thought exercises, it has realy helped them. It is worth a try.

Jen said...

LillysGramma, I actually do read Roxie's blog. I really enjoy it.

David, I use to practice LOA. It's something I'm already attempting to implement in my life again. I have a few books that I want to read and I will be talking about it more.



bokjae said...

Hi jen, talking about your problems is a good start and to me it is therpeutic. Sorry about the bad past but glad to know that at least you you know the whys and move on!

My prayer will be for you and also to meet loving and kind people who can encourage you to live life!

Enjoy knowing more about you and will be back for more!!!! Thanks for sharing for its the true way to build meaningful relationships!!!!

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