Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Housing frustraions

I've been trying to get an apartment, I'm on 2 waiting lists. And have been for months, with no end in sight. It can be anywhere from 6 to 14 months.

I talked to my caseworker, she works for the department of family and children services, she has no idea where to find low income housing. It amazes me. It's her job to work with single mothers and women who are victims of domestic abuse, yet she has no clue how to help them find affordable housing? WTF?!?!

So I spend a day evey week calling every apartment complex I can get the phone number of. I'm calling places in a 3 county area.

I want my own place. Not that living with my sister is awful. I just want my OWN place. My therapist even says I need to be on my own.

I thought I had a good lead on an apartment and I did, but there's a catch. They only accept people in a certain program, and that program is closed to new applications for the next 3-4 months. I had no clue about this program or the fact that it only took aps at certain times.

It's just so frustrating. I just want a place to live.


Saturday, April 25, 2009


Well the cold is gone, thank goodness. I was beginning to think I’d never feel better.

Then the doctor added Lamictal to my drug cocktail, so that was making my tummy a bit queasy.

But I’m back now, only about 85%, but I’ll get there.

Thanks for all the well wishes.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Je is sick

Thank you for the emails of concern. No, I haven't dropped off the face of the planet.

I was fighting off a cold for a while....then the cold fought back and it won. I now have bronchitis and have been spending my days in bed. I'm starting to feel a little bit better and hope to be back soon.

Thank you for the email Judy, I wouldn't abandon you. Just havin to take it easy right now.


Friday, April 3, 2009

Dealing with the emptiness

First, I want to apologize for not posting. A few days ago I was thrown a curve ball that has made me hesitate my posting. Real life family members are reading this, they don't understand that this is my safe place. Where I can say whatever I'm feeling or thinking. I know you'll read this, so let me say I'm sorry. Everyone is being so good to me, I really don't deserve it, so it's really hard for me to understand or deal with. I'm not good at showing appreciation, that's one of my problems. I try to show it by helping out and doing what I can, I hope you can understand that. I really like my blog and blogging, it helps me work things out, so I'm going to keep doing it. And I'm sure you'll keep reading.

Ok, back to what I came here for.

When you have BPD, you have an emptiness inside. You have no sense of self. You wander around wondering "who am I?". This is something I've really been struggling with and trying to figure out.

I can be whatever the situation calls for. The girlfriend who will take your abuse. The sidekick to the girl who wants all the attention. The mother figure to the sisters who need me. The badass who will stand between you and the boyfriend who's beating you.

It's a common trait of BPD.

But now I'm in limbo. I left the ex, so I'm no longer that person. And I'm struggling with who I am. I want to be me, I just have no idea who she is. I'm not part of a relationship or a group of friends, so I have no one to be.

This is something that I feel is really holding me up, so I've been exploring.

I LOVE to write. I've been writing since I was 13. At 16, I had 2 full novels written. Not that I ever did anything with them.

Errr, that's not the point. I love to write. Anything. I was writing for certain websites, the ex said it was stupid....at the time, I thought he was right so I stopped.

Well, I'm writing again. And I don't care what anyone says.

I enjoy it. Even if if never gets me any where. I'm doing something I like to do.

Shameless plug here, sorry, lol. You can find my writing at http://www.associatedcontent.com/artisticjen and http://www.squidoo.com/artisticjen.

I may not be blogging every day like I have been. But this blog is my passion and love. So I will continue blogging, just maybe not as much as before.

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