Friday, April 3, 2009

Dealing with the emptiness

First, I want to apologize for not posting. A few days ago I was thrown a curve ball that has made me hesitate my posting. Real life family members are reading this, they don't understand that this is my safe place. Where I can say whatever I'm feeling or thinking. I know you'll read this, so let me say I'm sorry. Everyone is being so good to me, I really don't deserve it, so it's really hard for me to understand or deal with. I'm not good at showing appreciation, that's one of my problems. I try to show it by helping out and doing what I can, I hope you can understand that. I really like my blog and blogging, it helps me work things out, so I'm going to keep doing it. And I'm sure you'll keep reading.

Ok, back to what I came here for.

When you have BPD, you have an emptiness inside. You have no sense of self. You wander around wondering "who am I?". This is something I've really been struggling with and trying to figure out.

I can be whatever the situation calls for. The girlfriend who will take your abuse. The sidekick to the girl who wants all the attention. The mother figure to the sisters who need me. The badass who will stand between you and the boyfriend who's beating you.

It's a common trait of BPD.

But now I'm in limbo. I left the ex, so I'm no longer that person. And I'm struggling with who I am. I want to be me, I just have no idea who she is. I'm not part of a relationship or a group of friends, so I have no one to be.

This is something that I feel is really holding me up, so I've been exploring.

I LOVE to write. I've been writing since I was 13. At 16, I had 2 full novels written. Not that I ever did anything with them.

Errr, that's not the point. I love to write. Anything. I was writing for certain websites, the ex said it was stupid....at the time, I thought he was right so I stopped.

Well, I'm writing again. And I don't care what anyone says.

I enjoy it. Even if if never gets me any where. I'm doing something I like to do.

Shameless plug here, sorry, lol. You can find my writing at http://www.associatedcontent.com/artisticjen and http://www.squidoo.com/artisticjen.

I may not be blogging every day like I have been. But this blog is my passion and love. So I will continue blogging, just maybe not as much as before.

Jen

3 comments:

jinx1764 said...

Good luck with your search for self. I have family members and friends that have/are dealing with this same issue. I'm so grateful that I've always had a strong sense of self. If you ever need to talk I'm a good listener, :o)

Greenfingers said...

Really good writing. I've found that having a blog has been one of the main comforts in getting over a failed relationship!

Lauren said...

Oh woman! If you don't think you deserve to be treated kindly and with love and respect...how do you ever expect others to be that way in an intimate way. Please be kinder to yourself.

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