Friday, August 21, 2009

Ahhhh, a night of peace

None of what I'm about to type is meant in a mean way. I love my lil sister and love my niece more than my own life. But it's really nice that they aren't here tonight, lol.

My sis is working on getting back together with her ex, so they went to stay over there tonight.

It's kind of weird. My dad and I aren't sure what to do with ourselves, lol. We're so use to looking after the niece/his grand daughter, that being without her is strange.

My lil sis on the other hand, we needed a break from her, seriously.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, but she's making every mistake she can and doesn't even care about any consequences. She thinks that everything and everyone will bend over and give her whatever she wants. (pic is of sis and shorty)

The ex kicked her out so we let her move in, for VERY little rent.

In return, she does absolutely NO cleaning around here. She just leaves her dirty dishes and clothes where ever they fall. She doesn't clean her room, has never vacummed, never dusted, won't fill the dish washer, disappears for hours (leaving us wondering if she's picking up her daughter from school). She insults us every chance she gets. She even gets up in my dad's face and screams at him.

I get totally infuriated with her. I don't explode in her face because I know it would really hurt my dad. And he's helped us kids so much, I can't do that to him. Tho she has him to the point of wanting her out too.

She's totally unappreciative of anything anyone has done for her. She thinks the world owes it all to her to take care of her.

Worst of all, she won't take care of her child. She has no patience with her daughter, she's admitted it more than once. So we all take care of her. Which we have no problem doing, my niece is fabulous. And as far as I'm concerned, my niece can stay and my sister can move out. (pic of me and shorty)

Ug, not what this post was suppose to be, lol.

It's just nice to not have them here. So we have a chance to relax. Not worrying about the little one or picking up after my sister.

Think I might play video games all night. At least until shorty (my niece) gets dropped off in the morning. (pic is of Dad and Shorty....yes ladies, he's single, a good man, fun to be around, stable, loves kids and family oriented). Shhhh, he'd kill me if he knew I said that, lol.

I do miss her. Shorty is my partner in silliness. When she's not here, I don't have an excuse to act silly.


Sunday, August 16, 2009

This irks me

I know I was going to be taking a break, but I'm, hoping that blogging about this will help me wrap my mind around it.

So, the therapist wants me to stop being so anxious and worrying about everything. Ok, I'm cool with that, I'd love to spend more time just being.

The biggest thing I'm worried about right now is my car. My therapist wants me to quit worrying about it, since there's nothing I can do about it. WTF?!?!? This is foreign to me, because in my mind "if you don't worry about it nothing will get done about it".

My car runs great, I love this car(it's a 1991. The problems are the windshield wipers don't work (needs a motor), it has no exhaust system left, the tires aren't safe, the brakes aren't safe, and now the driver's door won't open (from inside or outside). But the engine runs just fine, tho I'm over due for an oil change, lol.

If I could afford a new car, I'd probably get rid of this one, but I'm not in that position. So I have to work with what I have. And that means about $600-700 worth of, which is more than the car is worth, but she's all I got.

What worries me most is in a month, my dad will be going back to Florida. Which means I will have no way to get to doctor's appoints, get groceries, or anything. Now wouldn't that freak you out, just a little?

What bugs me even more, is that I'm the only one even slightly concerned about it. My dad blows it off like it's not a problem. My therapist blows it off like it'll never happen (maybe he thinks I'm lieing or something).

I'm going to be headed in reverse. Everything that I've been trying to accomplish, trying to move forward, is going to go down the toilet.

It especially bothers me since I just found a therapist I think can help me, I'll get to see him another 4 times, then I'm SOL.

And this stupid city doesn't have bus service, ug. I filed for medical transportation and was turned down.

Now don't I have a legitimate reason to worry?


Friday, August 14, 2009

Clarifying about my therapy

I wanted to talk a little bit more about my last post. Since this is a personal blog, where I try to be open an honest about myself and what's going on with me (even if it hurts me, lol).

Over the last few weeks, my therapist has had me keep a log of what causes me anxiety, why, and to what degree.

Well, after looking over the 4 pages (front and back), I felt so awful. It was truely horrifying and depressing.

I could post the list of what MAKES me anxious here, but I'm sure you all have a life to lead, lol.

So, let me just post what DOESN'T make me anxious: crocheting, using the restroom, my dad (1/2 the time), breathing, my bird, playing with polymer clay, being on the computer and being alone.

Yeah, I really need to make that list a lot longer. So that's what I'm trying to focus my energy on right now. Learning how to not be afraid, learning what fears are just likely, how to deal with the fear and how to be comfortable in my own skin.

It's hard work, but I really need this, I really want it. I want my life back. Hell, I want to actually have a life before I die.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Thanks to everyone and a note

I want to thank everyone for weighing in on the kids/no kids debate. It really made me feel better to know that not everyone is so closed minded. And it was also nice to meet others who have furry/scaled/feathered kids.

I just want to add that I'm going to be MIA for the next week or so. This is a planned absence, that's why I'm giving notice.

My therapist has suggest I start dealing with some really heavy stuff, having to do with my anxiety. I'm trying to make some changes. So, I'm really going to be stepping outside of my comfort zone and I feel I really need to focus on that for a little bit.

It's really hard for me to change from being totally freaked out anxious to only a little uncomfortable, lol. So it's going to take a ton of energy. But I'm really excited to get started.

I want and need these changes. This is the best therapist I've ever had, none of the others have actually wanted to help and have given me the tools to make the changes I need to. So I'm going to give this 100%.

Wish me luck.



Saturday, August 8, 2009

Women who have kids vs Women who don't

I'm on an email group, this group is usually pretty friendly and quiet. We recently had a new member join, so she was asking where every one was from, how old, etc.....and who had children.

About 80 of us replied, 3 of us who are 32+ and are childless. I never thought this would happen on this group, but the 3 of us got pounced on.

Why we don't have children? Don't you want children? Doesn't your life feel empty? What's wrong with you? And on and on. Ug. I didn't see it coming.

I'll explain myself.

NO, I don't have any problems with kids. I actually adore children. I don't have children for a few reasons.

1. I never met a man that was trustworthy enough to have a baby with. I have tons of friends who had babies with guys and now daddy is gone and won't support his child. Hell, my own sister is going through this, my niece's father skipped before she was 2 weeks old, and hasn't helped out a cent. My attitude is why should these guys be allowed to get away with it?

2. I never married. Yeah, I'm old fashioned like that. At least if you're married, then have a baby, it's easier to hold the father responsible. Not perfect, it doesn't always work, but it increases the chances. And if he wants to have a baby with you, he should be willing to commit to you.

3. I don't feel incomplete just because I've never given birth. Seriously. I always figured if it was meant to happen, it would. If not, I'm not gonna dwell on it. It's not devastating to me, I won't feel like my life was for nothing or I'm a failure.

4. I already raised 2 kids, my sisters. I started raising them when I was 13, I had never even held a baby. I learned a lot, made them my world, tried to be a surrogate parent, and I think I didn't do a bad job. They've both grown up to be better than me.

4. Then, when I was 23, I was told that because of plumbing problems (keeping it PG), it would be VERY hard for me to conceive. So I had to make my piece with that.

Do I think about it sometimes? Yeah, usually on my birthday, but I also think about a lot of other things on that day too.

One of the girls on my email list is thinking about artificial insemination. Hey if that's what makes her happy, I support her 100%. Though, I did have to suggest to her that having a one nighter would be A LOT cheaper, lol. No, I don't condone that, but she was talking about taking out a loan for the procedure. Hmmm, yes, I made a funny about making payments on your baby at 23% (she laughed and got a kick out of it).

So moms out there, you have my total respect, you fascinate me with your strength, big hearts and nurturing.

All I ask, is please don't pick on us who don't have children. We're not defective or wrong. Besides, we make really great baby sitters. My niece adores me and she gives me an excuse to act like a 2 year old, nothing wrong with that.

**stepping away from the debate podium**


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Still tired

The exhaustion is getting really bad. I'm sleeping at night....and then take 2 naps during the day, ug.
So, since I now have my insurance straightened out, I mad a doctor appointment to see what's wrong. I haven't seen a doctor in years, so it'll be good that I start seeing one now. Seeing how I'm ancient now and everything.

I'm not comfortable with doctors and physical exams so this should be interesting.


Sunday, August 2, 2009

My new therapist

I need to talk about the new man in my life, lol. No, I'm not dating. I have a really great new therapist. And it's a man, my first.
It's really strange becuz all my therapists have been women up to this point (I've had 9, yeah, 9). So at first it was a little weird.

But now I've gotten over that and I seem to be talking to him about things I have never discussed with anyone else. I guess this is a good thing.

I've also been moved up to seeing him every week. I've been really stressed (which I don't deal well with), so they decided I need to see him weekly.

I've got an appointment with the new pdoc next month. I have already heard great things about him. Mainly, he's open to trying new meds and will take your input into serious consideration.


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