Saturday, August 8, 2009

Women who have kids vs Women who don't

I'm on an email group, this group is usually pretty friendly and quiet. We recently had a new member join, so she was asking where every one was from, how old, etc.....and who had children.

About 80 of us replied, 3 of us who are 32+ and are childless. I never thought this would happen on this group, but the 3 of us got pounced on.

Why we don't have children? Don't you want children? Doesn't your life feel empty? What's wrong with you? And on and on. Ug. I didn't see it coming.

I'll explain myself.

NO, I don't have any problems with kids. I actually adore children. I don't have children for a few reasons.

1. I never met a man that was trustworthy enough to have a baby with. I have tons of friends who had babies with guys and now daddy is gone and won't support his child. Hell, my own sister is going through this, my niece's father skipped before she was 2 weeks old, and hasn't helped out a cent. My attitude is why should these guys be allowed to get away with it?

2. I never married. Yeah, I'm old fashioned like that. At least if you're married, then have a baby, it's easier to hold the father responsible. Not perfect, it doesn't always work, but it increases the chances. And if he wants to have a baby with you, he should be willing to commit to you.

3. I don't feel incomplete just because I've never given birth. Seriously. I always figured if it was meant to happen, it would. If not, I'm not gonna dwell on it. It's not devastating to me, I won't feel like my life was for nothing or I'm a failure.

4. I already raised 2 kids, my sisters. I started raising them when I was 13, I had never even held a baby. I learned a lot, made them my world, tried to be a surrogate parent, and I think I didn't do a bad job. They've both grown up to be better than me.

4. Then, when I was 23, I was told that because of plumbing problems (keeping it PG), it would be VERY hard for me to conceive. So I had to make my piece with that.

Do I think about it sometimes? Yeah, usually on my birthday, but I also think about a lot of other things on that day too.

One of the girls on my email list is thinking about artificial insemination. Hey if that's what makes her happy, I support her 100%. Though, I did have to suggest to her that having a one nighter would be A LOT cheaper, lol. No, I don't condone that, but she was talking about taking out a loan for the procedure. Hmmm, yes, I made a funny about making payments on your baby at 23% (she laughed and got a kick out of it).

So moms out there, you have my total respect, you fascinate me with your strength, big hearts and nurturing.

All I ask, is please don't pick on us who don't have children. We're not defective or wrong. Besides, we make really great baby sitters. My niece adores me and she gives me an excuse to act like a 2 year old, nothing wrong with that.

**stepping away from the debate podium**



Deronda designs... said...

The choice to have a child or not have a child is a personal choice and really not for anyone else to judge. I do have children, and that's okay just as you don't have children, and that's okay too.

Holly Joy said...

I am childless by CHOICE. It was not something I ever wanted to do. I helped my sister with her babies-that was great, but I don't feel I've missed out on anything.
I AM a dogmom. I don't consider my dogs less than children...and they don't need braces :0)
If more people really THOUGHT about the ramifications of having kid after kid, I think many would want a do-over. I can't tell you how many people have said to me over the years, "Weren't YOU the smart one never having kids!"
To each his own.

M2bC said...

I'm childless and at 42, likely to remain that way. I've never really wanted to have children for a number of reasons - I honestly don't think I'd make a very good mother. But I'm a terrific aunt - I adore my nieces and nephews.

We make our own choices in life - no one should ever stand in judgment.

libertydoll said...

The choice is definately upto the woman whose womb is going to be stretched to it's limits. I have children. I have a sister who doesn't and makes a fantastic baby sitter. She loves to spoil her neice quite well.

jennuinecandles said...

I personally agree with you 100%. I have never wanted children and luckily found a great guy/husband who has never "longed" for children either. I can't begin to tell you how many times we've been asked the same questions...when, why, what?! Usually when we get tired of hearing the same ole question, we throw out the "cancer card" - I had cancer and have been advised not to have kids...that is usually received with..."ahh, that makes sense". Why must we have an "excuse" not to have children? We have 2 wonderful "girls" in our pets and an awesome nephew with another on the way...we are content with our chosen path, why can't others be content with it also?
Now I too will step off the podium. :-)

EmilyClaireCreations said...

I don't understand why there is a debate. People should STFU in my opinion. I have kids, so what. My friends don't have kids, so what...

just my 2 cents

All Wired Up TOO said...

I don't understand the debate either..6 of my seven children have youngest has chosen to have none and that's ok! Her MIL says that I have to talk her into children (she has no grandchildren and likely won't either!)I say it's her choice and I won't place pressure on her!
It's perfectly fine whatever YOUR choice is because really it IS yours!

Patrice of Shepherd Creations said...

Sorry that happened, Jen, that sucks! We too have had the questions and some folks will try to give you a guilt trip, we know. My MIL kept asking about when we were going to have a baby till my SIL had one, now two, and she is satisfied :) Plus she understands that we just don't want children. We don't have the need-to-breed. Plus, we will make a much better positive impact on the planet with just Paul and me. See how many kidless ladies have posted now? You are supported! :)

Dichroicdazzle said...

Not having children leaves you with so much time freedom and opportunities to do some really great things with your life. My Sister is in her late 40's and childless just because things didn't work out that way, but she has been to some fantasic places, ran her own business and goes away almost every weekend. I have 2 children and they are lovely and the best thing that happened to me but they take alot of time commitment and energy, they always have to come first they cost a small fortune and they are the driving force of the direction my life takes and will be for a long time. I sometimes wonder if these upleasant comments you have come from jealousy. Please ignore them and enjoy your life. There is no law that says you must procreate.

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