Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Woohoo, new template

I thought the place needed a bit of a remodel, so I found a template I like and here she is. I even made a different banner (other one was wrong size).

What do you think? Better than the black one?


Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I am so friggin excited about Christmas this year. I think it has so much to do with my new place, not sure.

I want to decorate and have a tree, the whole she-bang baby. Of course I have to figure out how I'm going to do those things, lol.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Thinking about dying my hair

It's been quite a while and the last coloring is pretty washed out. Now I'm trying to decide on a color.

Everyone wants me to go lighter, they say it makes me look good and younger. Personally, i hate it when it's light. I like medium-dark colors. I also like unique colors.

Saturday, September 26, 2009


I am absolutely addicted to that TV show. It's so awesome, It just makes my week to see the Triple Threat: Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, and Misha Collins.

They're all hot, but I just adore Misha Collins. He's so freakin yummy. I've seen him on other shows too and he was hot on them too.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Update on me

Doc says nothing is really wrong with, just a bunch of little things have added up. So I have to just grin and take it for a while.

If I'm not feeling better in a week or 2I have to go back in. In the meantime, I've had enought energy to start doing a few things. So I guess there's light at the end of the tunnel


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I have to raise my prices

After a long email discussion with my friend Stacey, I have decided to raise the prices on my handmade items. I have to, materials have gone up and most people in 3rd world countries are being paid more than I pay myself.

I hate doing it.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Something is really wrong with me

Seriously enough that I'm trying to get in to see the doctor. I'm concerned and I'm never concerned like this.

I know, with depression you have that tired and foggy minded feeling.

Right now, I'm REALLY exhausted, sleeping most of the day and cannot even get out of bed. I'm not foggy minded. It's like something else is going on. I have the motivation to do things, my body just is shutting down on me.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I hate throwing out useable stuff

I really, really do.

I Freecycle some, but I'm nervous about doing that. I have no car to meet people somewhere, I'm going to be living alone soon, so I don't do it very often.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I spent $23 on me, now I'm freaking out

I'm so not used to spending money on me. But I was having a good day and daddy wanted to go visit the Salvation Army store.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

13 things about Jen

This post was inspired by a blog I read, Heathen Mom. I'm not a mom, but I've been called a heathen, lol, I just like the blog. Here we go, I really hurt my brain trying to come up with 13 things. Keep in mind, this is me being TOTALLY honest, so there may be a few things you don't want to know.

1. I'm fascinated with Ancient Egypt. Have been ever since I can remember. I studied to be an Egytologist at one point in my life. I still read and study as much as I can.

2. I want to volunteer to go one an archeological dig. I volunteered once, but couldn't go. Basically, you volunteer, have to pay your own expenses, don't nee training and get the crap work. But I still want to do it.

3. My fave colors are purple, black and gold. Yep, I'm a tacky pimp. Really. I think it may be influenced by #1.

4. I love crime shows. My favorites are Criminal Minds, NCIS, CSI, CSI:NY, and Law and Order.

5. I'm a Deadliest Catch addict.

6. I like cars. No, no, I love them. My favorite version of porn is nothing but cars, seriously. I want a Bugatti Veyron, 1000 horses and a top speed over 240mph. YEAH BABY! Of course it runs over $3 mil, ug. I also like the Mercede sl600 and 1967 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 500.

7. I'm great at solving other people's problems. Suck at my own, but can support and give great advice to others. Go figure.

8. I'm a gaming junkie. Don't play a lot of online games, but am starting to play a few.

9. I've been trying out different money making venues online since 2003. Yep, that long. Off and on. Have had a decent amount of success, but never stuck with it.

10. I have the worst teeth in the world. I've been trying to get help with them, but to no avail. Remember, I have only seen a dentist twice in the last 18 years. I've never had or could afford dental insurance the last 18 years (since I was dropped from Dad's insurance).

11. I am over weight and smoke. Both of which have helped destroyed my self esteem (of which I have none). Which just feeds the depression. Not to mention #10, no wonder I don't leave the apartment.

12. I sometimes wish my ex missed me. I get over it quickly, of course, when I think about the things he did to me. But occasionally, I wonder if he thinks about me. The therapist says that's normal, but I feel guilty for thinking about it.

13. Yes, I own adult toys. I think every woman should. I didn't feel comfortable with them until 6 months ago and now I wouldn't change a thing. Every woman should explore their sexuality and be comfortable with it.

So there's my 13. Not very interesting, but still a bit more about me.

Thanks Heathen Mom for inspiring me.


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

My motivational staff part 2

Next is up our temp, Miss Piggy. This 1 year old Guinea Pig isn't mine, she belongs to my sister who left her behind when she moved out (don't get me started).

She's a little cutey and I try to spend as much time with her as I can. She enjoys nibbling on anything and everything.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My motivational staff part 1

I just wanted to take a moment to give a shout out to the motivational staff that keep in line and going. They're VERY important in keeping me inline and going.

First up is Willie. She is a 7 year old White Capped Pionus. She's spoiled beyond belief and very demanding.

In the pics below, you can see her looking over my blogging work and making sure it's up to her high standards. Then she's informing me about my poor work performance and that I better pick it up.

Of course, she always follows it will a few smooches for mommy.


Sunday, September 6, 2009

Got into to it with lil sis

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my little sister. But she does everything she can to push my buttons. Now that she doesn't live here any more, she insists on coming over and getting under my skin.

She comes over to "visit", she just walks in unannounced whenever she wants to, she's been told to call first. Then the first thing she does is start going thru the caller id on the phone. Next, she'll pick up the remote and start channel surfing (even if you're watching something). Then, she has to go thru the apartment and inspect every room, including both bathrooms.

It drives me friggin nuts!

So, the other day, I laid into her about still having a key to the apartment. And of course, she wined about needing it to get into the apartment for emergencies. So I pointed out the fact that I only leave for about 2 hours every week and I'm sure there won't be a life or death emergency during that time.

Then she pointed out that she needed it to get into the apartment. So, I pointed out that she could call ahead or knock like a normal person. Needless to say, she wasn't happy with me when she left.

Dad was even less happy with me. He was going to get the key back from her before he goes back to Florida. He tore me up after she left. I'm sorry it upset him, I hate myself for ever upsetting him, but I just couldn't keep myself from doing it.

My dad lets her get away with everything, seriously. She does things that us 3 other kids would get killed for. And my dad does it all because of my niece. Ok, I understand that, but my sister really needs some lough love. She's never going to grow up or learn to deal with life if she's always getting bailed out by us.



Saturday, September 5, 2009

I hate meds, I really do

I've always thought that I would take meds, they would help clear my mind enough for me to retrain my brain, so I would no longer need them.

But it has become more and more apparent that I may never be without the meds.

My current Pyschiatrist has brought this to light. He has flat out told me that I will need medication the rest of my life, there's no getting around it.

I've been depressed, suicidal, self injuring for the last 20 years. I've been in treatment on and off in that time period. He says that since this has been going on so long, that I will need to be on medication the rest of my life.

This is a bit of a blow to me. The only reason I even started taking meds was because I thought I could take them, they would help me enough to change my thinking and deal with my issues. I thought they wouldn't be necessary after I was able to change my thinking.

Now, I realize he's right. I will probably need them for a long time, if we can find one that helps me (which hasn't happened yet).

It really bothers me. I hate the idea of depending on meds to make me normal (not that I like being normal, lol). But it would be nice to have friends and maybe date again (not that I'm really anxious to date). It would be nice to have real life people to talk to.....hang out with....who understood.

Yuck. Welcome to my life.

I HATE the idea of being medicated the rest of my life. It ain't gonna happen. I can't stand to even think about it, there has to be a better way.


Friday, September 4, 2009

Got transportation

Yep, I now have a way to and from my doc appointments. Of course it's going to run me $50 a month and I'll be on the bus for about 2 hours every time (won't be doing much else on those days). But at least I no longer have to worry about it.

They'll also take me to the grocery store, for an extra charge of course. I just have to let them know 2 days in advance.

It's gonna be rough, my doctor will probably have to put me back on Klonopin so I can get thru it. I don't deal well when in a small place with a bunch of people, I avoid it at all costs. The med lessens the anxiety enough to keep me from having a full blown panic attack.

But at least I'll be able to continue with my treatment, that's what I was worried about.


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Waiting for the tests

Saw the doctor for the first time in years, he of course wasn't happy to hear that. I've been told I need to start seeing the doctor more, you know the lecture they give you.

Wasn't too bad. I of course closed my eyes when they stuck me. Now I just have to wait and see what the results turn out to say.

I'm not real worried about the results, which should make everyone worry, lol. Normal, I freak out about test results because I'm always afraid they're going to be bad, then they turn out normal. Not even concerned this time, which is scary.

Got a headache, so I'm going to go lay down.


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

New psychiatrist, new med and dating

Had my first visit with the new pdoc. I actually really like this guy. He sees no purpose in continuing to try medications that haven't worked for me in the past (something my other docs kept doing).

For now, he's keeping me on my Lamictal and Lexapro, but he has decided to add Abilify to the mix and see if helps. If not, he and I are thinking about just changing meds all together.

He also brought up something that I found hilarious: he wants me to get put on birth control and to start dating. WTF?? He said it would be good for me, I told him I really wasn't worried about dating right now, I need to work on me. But he's determined that I really need to date, lol.

First time I've ever had a pdoc suggest that.

He's also ordered kidney, liver and thyroid tests. He thinks I may have a thyroid problem. And he wants to make sure my liver and kidneys haven't been damaged by the meds I've taken in the past. Should be interesting, seeing how I absolutely hate needles and seeing medical doctors.

Should be fun. N O T.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Very emotional day

I stood there, while my baby was put on a flat bed and hauled off to the junkyard. I could just feel what little hope I had draining out of me, as I watched her leave.

I know, it's silly.

I've been an emotional wreck all day, just can't stop crying.


I'm officially carless

Yep. My dad has officially declared my car done for. There's even more wrong with it than what I already knew about, errrr. I'm going to be calling one of those places to have my junk car towed away.

I was really hoping we could make it last thru the winter, but it's not happening. We'd have to pour huge amounts of money into it and the car just isn't worth it. As it sits now, the car is worth about $300 (if someone were to buy it and were being generous). So dad has vetoed any work on it.

Now I'm really freaking out.

This means I'm going to be dependent on my lil sis all winter long if I want to go any where. And honestly, I just don't see it happening. She's agreed to take me grocery shopping once a month, but there's no way she can help me get to and from my doctor.

I talked to the local taxi services and the cheapest I can find is $20 round trip (doc's office is 3 miles away). So, that's going to be $100 a month, ug. I think I might have to cut back my appointments over the winter and go like once or twice a month. But, the doc gave me a few phone numbers to call to see if I can set up medical transportation.

This just really sucks. I was so hoping to get my car in better shape and enjoy the freedom of not having to find a ride or borrow a car. Yuck!

Some family members just don't understand it. I don't depend on them because I WANT to, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

When my dad comes back from Florida in December, he said we'll discuss the car situation. So I have to scrimp and save every cent I can til then. If I have a decent amount saved, maybe I can get him to help me get a car.


Not good at time management

I'm really not, lol. I have so much I want/need to be doing, that I freak out about it and get absolutely nothing done.

My sister has moved back in with her ex, so I'm not spending so much time cleaning up after her, so I now have a ton of time.

I think I might enough to get my other blog up and running. It's a blog I planned out in July 2008, I even bought a domain for it (for 2 years). And since then, it's just sat there. So I want to at least get something out of it, so I've set it up here on Blogger and that's as far as I've gotten.

I've been sick. So I spent my days in bed crocheting. I actually have an afghan almost finished. And have 3 more planned, lol. I've decided to start doing them for specific bed sizes, of course they can be made to any size. But I thought it would be nice to have a King and Queen size listed.

Well, I have to go, need to get some sleep.

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